1. "Were still here"

Teenagers greatest wish, and their worst fear, is to be totally free of their parents control and influence. Teenagers will push you away but secretly desire for you to remain nearby and available for them if they require your support, guidance or limits. As your teen starts to demand more freedom try talking to them about how you can negotiate something that is agreeable to both of you (i.e. curfew), so that the teen doesn’t get to do whatever they want, but neither do you as the parent. Make sure to let them know, as they push you away, that you are unconditionally available to them and remain concerned about where they go and what they do – not too close but also not too far away.

2. Negotiate the Rules

Parents should clarify between themselves what the house policy is for drinking underage, drug use, drinking and driving, sexual activity, and curfew, and sit down with their teen and have an open and not prohibitive conversation about it. Some teenagers will naturally be attracted to doing something their parents forbid, which is why it is vital to calmly discuss and negotiate with your teen and not be too heavy-handed. Start by talking about the things where there is some room for negotiation, before outlining what rules are not negotiable. Decide beforehand what your beliefs are and stick by them in a calm and caring way. With any teen you should pick your battles carefully and let slide what is not that important in the bigger picture.   

3. Grades

Start the year by communicating your total support of your teenager’s academic life, and that you know how bright and capable they are. You can provide incentives for good marks if you wish, but don’t set too strong an expectation for your teen in terms of performance, as this can be too intimidating for your child and can quickly backfire and affect your child’s self-esteem. After expressing your support, sit back and simply observe how your child handles school work for the first week or two. Then, if you have a concern, calmly talk to your teen about it in terms of being worried about them. Talks with teenagers always go much better if you start from a position of being concerned or worried instead of telling the teenager they are doing something wrong or that you are disappointed or angry with them.  

4. When Rules Get Broken

When your teenager breaks a rule, check your anger and approach them only when you are calm and reasonable, before asking your teen for an explanation. Try having a "Time-In" with your teen instead of a "Time-Out." Listen as carefully as you can and try to understand the problem from your teenager’s perspective, before sharing your own concern about their behaviour. Instead of imposing a consequence for the infraction, let your concern for your child, your firm but kind limit-setting, your child’s love for you, and the strength of your relationship guide the teenager to controlling their behaviour and self-correcting, since harsh consequences carry the risk of creating too much resentment in the teenager and risk of further acting out. Tell your teenager you can’t and won’t let them do whatever they want, but you can let them have some of what they want, if they are also willing to compromise. Teenagers should be considered young adults. If you begin treating your teenager with the respect that you feel you deserve as their parent, your teenager may surprise you by behaving in a more mature way. The teenage years do not need to be full of parent-child conflict. Calmness, kindness, flexible firmness, and mutual respect may help you and your teen get off to a good start as the beginning of high school approaches.