Let's Talk Sex

By Linda Ryan

When I founded The Sense of Smell Lab, and started developing unique products for health and well being, one area of my research that received a lot of attention is sexual health, especially low female libido.

This attention is not surprising. There are approximately 40 million women in the USA and Canada-what has been called the Baby Boomer demographic-that are now entering their menopause years. Boomers continue to change the way our culture views sexuality.

Add to that the many women in their 20s and 30s that are also concerned about a flagging libido and you have a large number of woman who need help!

Women will often tell me that they want to talk with their partners about sex but don't know how to bring it up. The media conveys the idea that everyone is talking about it - like the characters in Sex and the City. But that's not what is really going on.

A survey by the Sinclair Intimacy Institute revealed that over 40% of couples do not discuss their sexual wants and needs. Since intimacy is so important to a relationship, getting that topic on the table is critical.

So how do you bring sex up for a chat?

1. Discard the blame. Whatever the status of your sex life, accept the fact that you are part of the problem and part of the solution.

2. Take the emotion out of the discussion. A hidden agenda can very quickly bring up the defenses. See number 1.

3. If sexual issues have been brewing for some time, you'll need more than a chat over a cup of coffee. The goal is to start the conversation, not to resolve all the issues.

4. Remember that it is not a contest to see who is right or wrong; it's a conversation that reveals the perspectives, experiences and expectations from the relationship.

5. If it makes it easier, make up and leverage 'another couple's situation'. What do I mean? Here's a line you can use, "A woman at the office (Jill) was complaining that her husband was a lousy lover. Boy did that ever start a conversation!" Keep it about Jill and her situation. You'll find places where you can transition to your relationship. If it gets uncomfortable, slide back to the Jill scenario again.

If you've played it well - and by that I mean you've been successful in starting a conversation about sex that you're both happy with - move on. Your goal is to plant a seed for the next chat. "I really enjoyed our conversation this afternoon about Jill at the office. It got me thinking about...".

The key is to nurture the seeds of conversation, not resolve the issue.

There's probably no subject that's been as well surveyed as sex. Magazine racks, book stores, newspapers and the internet are an endless source of information on what we do in the bedroom. Isn't that why we bought Cosmopolitan magazine as a teeny bopper? The mechanics of sex haven't changed but the attitude and openness certainly has. Where do you stand?

Why not try this today?

Are you secretly craving more foreplay or interested in introducing a new position, but a little nervous to ask your partner? Write out your desire on piece of paper and place it on his pillow. Your partner may take this cue and make his 'pillow talk'. Many times partners forgo their desires out of fear they might offend their mate or be rejected. Making it fun reduces the tension.