Your spouse is angry, the kids are fighting, crying- or both, and you haven't gone to the gym in two weeks! You are out of balance in your stepfamily!

Creating balance in a blended or stepfamily is difficult - your family is a bit more complicated than a nuclear family- with one mom, one dad and kids who all live in the same house.

Sometimes your home may feel like a hotel, with a revolving door- as the kids come and go between their custodial and noncustodial parent's houses. You may have a color-coded calendar, with each child assigned a different color. As you navigate these confused waters, you realize that everyone is important in your blended family- so how can you create balance? Is it really possible?

You may think you can live life without balance, and just focus on whoever is crying the loudest or whoever seems to have the highest need that day. This method doesn't work - you are running around, all the time, trying to keep everyone happy, when in reality, no one is completely happy with the situation.

Living out of balance is one of the most common issues I see in stepfamilies today. One of the primary causes of divorce is when the focus is primarily on the kids. Many of your first marriages did not survive because you or your former spouse put the kids in the center of the family and the center of your marriage. This isn't healthy, and although the kids may think they prefer it, you will raise kids that are not prepared for a world that says "no" to them, a world that doesn't let them have their way, and doesn't care if they are happy. Bringing kids up in a family where all their wants, and desires are immediately provided -produces a very confused, frustrated adult, who is unable to function in a healthy manner.

So- how do you create a balance that is fair to everyone and also realistic? I hope this podcast will give you some clear direction on how to create and maintain balance in your step family.

First- find time for yourself. I know some of you are laughing right now,...you believe there aren't enough hours in the day for you to take some time dedicated to you. But- you are the ones I'm talking to!

If you keep running and running, making sure that everyone in your step family is happy, and you forget yourself, you are going to burn out and be worthless to your family and to yourself. Stop and think about this- when are the days that you lose your temper, or burst into tears, or basically can't parent or be a loving spouse? Those are the days you've forgotten to take care of yourself.

If you truly want to love your family, you need to learn how to love yourself. And- by the way- can you really ever keep EVERYONE happy ALL of the time? Now- that's unrealistic. So- let's talk about you for a little bit. You deserve to take some time for yourself.

Time to Relax How do you unwind from a busy day? Is it by taking a bath, reading a favorite novel, drinking a cup of tea or a glass of wine? Do you loosen up after a workout at the gym or a walk through the neighborhood? If you are saying to yourself that you don't have time for these things-, you're wrong. You don't have time to skip relaxing. Figure out what makes you calm and make room for these activities in your day. Even if you have to write them on your "to do" list or create an appointment for yourself on your calendar- just do it.

What gives you strength and really energizes you? Is it talking on the phone to a friend, going to a funny movie, or shopping at the mall? Figure out what activities you truly enjoy doing and make time to do these things, too. Figure out a time, at least 1-2 times a month, to schedule something special- just for you.

And What about RESPECT? If you are always the one saying, "Go ahead, I'll clean up" or "Don't worry, I didn't want any- you can have a second helping." How can others respect you if you don't respect yourself?

At birthdays, when your family asks, "What can we get you?" - think about it, and give them a thoughtful list. You are a precious, unique person. Treat yourself that way! Do you want your daughter to treat herself as someone who always comes in last place, gives up the good seats, and refuses the last bite of cake? Do you want your son to never stand up for himself, but always let others get the best of everything, the last piece of chicken, or decide the day's activity? No, of course not.

It's very hard to teach respect when you don't respect yourself. It's also difficult to teach respect among the step family when you don't show respect to your spouse. Support your mate, in front of the children, especially when your spouse is not present, and can't hear the conversation. Let your children know that you support your spouse's decisions.

OK-I got a little distracted- back to you... (it's easy to do, focus on others and not ourselves.)

Next- Keep Memories of special times. Create a box to keep special memories. Put cards (birthday, mother's day/father's day, anniversary, thank-you notes) - anything you receive, that makes you feel good about yourself, into this box. If someone gives you a compliment, write it down and put it in your box. Those of you that aren't as organized, and don't see yourself creating a special container for your memories-- then put items in the bottom of your underwear drawer- it works just a well! Periodically, go through your box or underwear drawer, and read these compliments and praises.

Take time for Yourself You're worth it! Make the time. You will feel stronger physically, mentally and emotionally after you have regular times to renew your spirit, your soul and your body. Your family will appreciate a stronger, healthier, and happier you.

Now- what about your mate? Well, you chose him or her as your partner, to walk through life with you. I'm sure you didn't remarry because it was always your goal in life to be a stepparent, to parent another person's child and be responsible for this child without all the authority....No? I didn't think so! So- you entered this marriage because you love your mate- you saw a second chance at life, a chance to get it right this time, and have a great marriage.

Well- if you want a great marriage, then you need to focus on your spouse! Your marriage should be in the center of the family, not the kids. The two of you should connect daily, and plan at least a couple of times a month to get away from the kids and just enjoy life together. it doesn't have to be an expensive, out of town vacation, it can be a quiet dinner, looking into your love's eyes. What's important is that you are continuing to get to know your mate, pay attention to his or her interests, and be an active part in their lives.

The kids need a stable marriage as a model for their future. You can provide that healthy example by giving your spouse priority and showing your kids, every day, what a great marriage is all about.

Also focusing on your marriage means parenting together. Create family rules together and support your spouse when these rules need enforcing. The biological parent that lets the stepparent take the lead in discipline is creating a recipe for disaster. It's tough to parent, but the biological parent truly needs to enforce consequences, and maintain the rules and boundaries with his or her kids, and then support his or her spouse when the need to reinforce family rules becomes necessary.

And what about the parent/child time and blended family time? It's tough, because the kids are watching... they are waiting to see if you are going to treat your kids better than your spouse's kids, or if anyone gets special treatment, or less discipline, or more attention! The kids are watching your every word and every movement! Even the step kids want to know if they are an important part of their stepparent's life (although it's rare that you will find a child over age 8 that will admit it!)

So- balance your family time. Biological parents should have some dedicated time, at least once a week (or at least once a visit) with their kids. This doesn't have to be over-the-top theme park quality time (by the way- that's where the name "Disney dad" gets it's name.) Kids can accompany you to the hardware store, the grocery store or other errands. Stopping to get a soda or ice cream on the way home makes it even more special, but the real focus is that the parent is giving the child one-on-one time.

A common problem I see with stepfamilies is when a child comes to visit. The parent, usually the dad, feels guilty that his kids aren't living full time, in his home, so he wants to make the time they are visiting a very special time. In his eyes, by creating fantastic, over-the-top experiences each visit, he is keeping his kids happy and showing them that they are important. In reality- this is a distorted way of seeing family. Your visiting kids want to be a part of the blended family. They want to see if her kids have taken their place in your life. They want to be family- when they visit you. This means making them a part of the entire family and participating in blended family events.

One-on-one biological parent/child time is important, but shouldn't be out of proportion. If the weekend your kids visit, you don't spend any time with your spouse or interact with the rest of the blended family, then you're out of balance. Remember- all of what we're going over is important, but most important is to keep a balance in your time. Dedicated parent/child time is great and a necessary part of a healthy family- but should not be the primary focus of any child's visit.

When the whole family comes together, your entire blended family is now more capable of accepting their stepsiblings and positively responding to family events.

Your children are confident that they are loved and that they fit,... and belong in this blended family. Once the competitions are dissolved, or at least reduced a little, creating positive memories for your blended family by planning fun group events, or even just eating a meal together is much easier.

In summary, look for a balance in your blended family. There will be days in which you don't get any significant "me" time- but I ask you, take a longer shower that night, or sit down, right before bed and read the entire newspaper- it will really make a difference in you emotionally. Take a few moments for yourself, even if it's not much time.

There will be days when you feel as if you haven't spoken to your spouse or spent any time with him or her all day. Take the time to give a lingering kiss at bedtime, or make a few extra minutes to listen to them talk about their day.

And the kids- do your best, it may take a couple of days to give one-on-one time to each child, but once you start, they will know that their day is coming, even if it's just once a week, in which they will go on an errand or activity with their parent and get some quality one-on-one time.

It's all about family, loving each other, and loving yourself enough to provide your family the most stable and healthy environment for them to thrive and mature. This requires balance.

By the way, I haven't had any stepfamilies with the problem of too much emphasis on their marriage. I have had some teenagers that are a bit nauseated with the affection their mom or dad has for their new mate- but I haven't seen any long lasting negative effects from putting the marriage in the center of the family, and keeping a strong focus on the marriage relationship.

Good luck to you and your step family.