Parents who are strong enough to let youngsters experience the consequences of their actions also need to help them feel loved. Too often parents or teachers mete out consequences with anger. Missing empathy, the child feels no love and blames others for his/her own mistakes.

A parent recently told a nationally known educator and expert on child discipline that she needed help managing the art of empathy. Here is her story:

"I keep getting mad when I give consequences. I get mad at my daughter, and then she gets mad at me. I almost got to empathy last week. I was so close. My daughter didn't study her spelling words. I kept hearing your voice during your last lecture when you said, 'These can be great opportunities. Don't blow them by nagging.' So I didn't nag. I also heard your voice saying, 'The school will provide the consequences. You can balance them with an equal amount of empathy.'

She came home with a "D" on her test, and I did a great job of being sorry for her. I said, "Wow! It must really be embarrassing to get a "D". She got real quiet, thinking hard about what she had done. It was great! Then I heard your voice in my head saying, 'When you run out of things to say, transfer the problem to the youngster by asking a question.' I said, "Wow! What are you going to do?" With the saddest little face, she said, "I don't know what I'm going to do." I had her owning her own problem and thinking hard. And then....I just had to do it. I don't know why, but I just blurted out, "And you're not going to that party on Friday!" That did it! She started yelling, "What do you mean I'm not going to the party! It's not my fault I got a "D". You should see the words that teacher gives! She never gives us any time to study and .....it's just not fair."

Isn't it amazing? It only took one remark for me to change my daughter from a thinker to a fighter. So I'm back to work on learning the art of Empathy."

The educator, Jim Fay, of the Cline/Fay Institute in Golden, Colorado, told me recently that he hasn't seen this woman at his lectures for several months. He said he hopes she has mastered the art of empathy and giving equal amounts of consequences.

Let the consequences do the teaching isn't enough. We as parents must show our empathy - our sincere, loving concern -- when the consequences hit. That's what drives the lesson home with our children without making them feel we're not "on their side." Consider the following examples:

Aaron misses dinner because he didn't do his chores on time:

ANGRY WORDS: "Of course, you're hungry! I bet you won't do that again. I told you you'd be hungry"

EMPATHETIC WORDS: "I know how that feels, son. I'm hungry too when I miss a meal. but we'll have a big breakfast."

Jeanne is tired in the morning because she stayed up too late:

ANGRY WORDS: "I told you you'd be tired if you didn't go to bed on time. Now you're going to suffer all day at school."

EMPATHETIC WORDS: "Oh, you're tired, huh? I feel the same way at work when I don't get my sleep. But have the best day you can, under the circumstances."

Ray gets low grades on his report card:

ANGRY WORDS: "You don't do your homework, and now you come home with lousy grades. That ought to teach you a lesson."

EMPATHETIC WORDS: "Oh, how awful. During my school years, I got some poor grades when I didn't apply myself. But there's always next semester."

It helps to remember that using anger, threats, and lectures rarely works with children. Parents need to combine consequences with the art of empathy. Those who deliver consequences in loving, firm tones find this far from easy....But it works.

Five Steps for Helping Kids Own and Solve Their Problems:

1. Lock in the empathy.

2. Ask your child, "What are you going to do?"

3. When your child says, "I don't know," ask, "Would you like to hear some ideas?"

4. Offer no more than three possible solutions. After each one ask, "How would that work for you?"

5. Allow your child to choose--and learn from the choice and your empathy.

Empathy opens the mind for learning!

Taken from "The Pearls Of Love and Logic for Parents and Teachers", "Parenting with Love and Logic", by Jim Fay and Foster W. Cline, M.D., and "Love and Logic Magic for Early Childhood" by Jim Fay and Charles Fay, Ph.D.

Monique Poppen

http://www.ServingMamasOnline.com