Few days ago, I came across a few questions on a sex forum. The questions are as follows:

(1) The problem I am having is sometimes I can go for hours and sometimes as soon as I put it in I feel like I have to come. Before having sex, I sometimes worry about getting hard and being able to go long enough to make her happy. What can I do?

(2) How do you please a girl when you are below average?

(3) Why my girl asks me to stop when she is going crazy? I want to know if I am doing something wrong. I believe she gets uncomfortable about herself getting high. What can you tell me about that?

(4) When we have sex, she comes in the first couple of minutes and then after that she can’t come again. So I was wondering is it me or her?

The 1st two questions are more about guys’ sexual confidence issues. The 3rd question is more to do with trying to win the girl’s sexual trust in the guy so she can completely surrender herself to him. The 4th question is more about the need for the guy to improve on his emotional intimacy skills rather than his sexual skills. The big problem about this guy is he is looking for someone to blame instead of trying to work together with his partner to come up with solutions. So, I am going to share with you here some ideas on how to boost your sexual confidence as well as gaining her sexual trust and improving on your emotional intimacy skills.

Sexual Confidence

5 ways to boost your sexual confidence:

(1) You have to slowdown

Yes, you have to delay your gratification. Only 20% of women achieve orgasm during penetration. They prefer their partners to slow down and use their hands and mouth more. Only half of them can reach orgasm when sex last for 10 minutes or less, according to a 2009 study published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine. Taking your own sweet time for sex allows you to build up the sexual tension and makes her want you more. The teasing and anticipation act as amplifiers to her arousal. You are more likely to turn her on if you are cool and calm.

(2) Treat sex as normal as drinking a glass of water

Many guys get tense up when coming to sex, believing they need to act differently when the time comes. Instead you should treat sex as normal as possible. Focus on enjoying the moment when you are with her, keep teasing, slowly and steadily act according to her signals she sends to you, put more time and effort on the particular erotic spot she is extra sensitive to your stimulation and the appropriate amount of pressure on the hot spot she reacts strongly to, are great ways in how you should behave in bed.

(3) Stop treating sex as the main goal

Instead you should look upon sex as one of the many goals in your life. Treat sex as a natural outcome of you falling in love with a woman and wanting to spend more time with her. You treat sex as one of the many things you love to do with her. This will help you to have a relaxed attitude so that when the moment arrives you will be able to enjoy it with confidence.

(4) Talk to her

Get to know your sexual tastes and desires and communicate these to your partner regularly. In doing so, you will gradually be more comfortable with yourself and this will help you to gain confidence over time when discussing sex matters with her. This should be a 2-way traffic because this is not solely your problem or her problem when certain issues surface.

(5) Recognize that sex is never perfect

While it is ideal to get her experience orgasm every time you have sex with her, however, orgasm should not be the only goal. A 2008 study published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine found that stress over sexual performance significantly lowers female arousal.

Stop pestering her with questions like," Are you close?" or "Did you come?" This puts unnecessary pressure on her. Instead ask questions like," Do you like that?" and "Should I keep doing that?" Rather than holding out for half an hour waiting for her to reach orgasm, sometimes it is better to get over with it. Women do not have orgasm all the time and they know it is not necessary their partners’ fault. After you have ejaculated, you can always use your hands and mouth to please her, if she is still turned on.

How to win her sexual trust?

One of the powerful ways to get her "let down her fences" is to completely eliminate any hints of your own sexual shyness. This includes anything you do that let her feel you are not 100% comfortable and in control of the situation. Nervous laughter, any kind of defensive or angry remarks towards her if anything goes not according to your expectation, any feelings of frustration, trying to make yourself look "cool" or say something to brag, etc., are the things that turn her off because it shows you are insecure.

The safest and most effective way to win her sexual trust is to be unpretentious and show your real passion.

3 ways to win her sexual trust

(1) Make her feel good about herself

Compliment her for her accomplishments. Ask her opinion, not her advice. If you ask for her advice, she is going to feel maternal, which is not sexy. Use words like "opinion", "feel" and "think". Ask in a way like," What do you think I should do?" is better than "Tell me what to do." This shows that you value her opinions and reinforces her confidence in your relationship with her.

(2) Touch her non-sexually

According to a study in the American Journal of Family Therapy, women are more satisfied with their relationships when their partners are physically affectionate in a non-erotic manner. This kind of physical affection makes a woman feel wanted for more than just her body which ironically makes her feel sexy as well as winning her sexual trust because it makes her feel good about herself.

(3) Show appreciation

This can be done by doing the little things for her as well as the big things. Be diligent in thanking her for her company, ideas and contributions to the relationship. Every woman wants to feel appreciated and wants to hear it verbally from time to time.

Emotional Intimacy

This is not the same as sexual intimacy. The aim of emotional intimacy is to know each other better. Emotional intimacy is the ability to accept each other for who you are, not what you can become. It is the ability to feel comfortable with each other to the point that you do not fear judgment.

4 ways to develop emotional intimacy:

(1) Become familiar with your own feelings

You need to be more aware of your true self. It is through quiet time that you will understand yourself better. One of the ways is to write diary because this can help to understand your real feelings.

(2) Spend time together

This can be setting aside time to talk about how the day goes and how you are feeling. Part of the time together can be spent in silence. It is important that this time is spent together every day regardless of busy schedules.

(3) Listen to each other

Men need to understand that women sometimes need to vent their emotions. They do not need you to fix their problems; they just want you to listen and show that you care. This also applies the other way. Men also need their women to listen to them as well as the desire to feel needed and respected.

(4) Resolve the problems

If there are issues cropping up in the relationship, do not avoid them or hold grudges. This can tear the relationship apart. Go for counseling if the problems are such that you are unsure you can handle the issues amicably with her without spoiling the relationship.