Monday Night LAP Dance

Leonard A. Pappano

December 20, 2010

The LAP Dance is for entertainment purposes only. It employs literary devices such sarcasm, satire, stereotypes, exaggeration, complete fabrications and slander (or is it libel?). The opinions and delusions expressed are purely those of the author. Any offense given is unintended. Please read at your own risk.

** The Vikings playing a home game outside in late-December. If only for a night, all is right in the NFL… so let’s ruin the moment and pick on some people around the league.

** Giants rookie punter was instructed by HC Tom Coughlin to punt the ball out of bounds… instead of putting a line drive directly into the hands of DeSean Jackson for a game-winning return with no time on the clock. To his credit, Coughlin manned up and took the heat. "I’ll take full responsibility for that last play," Coughlin insisted after the game. When I contacted suspended Jets strength coach Sal Alosi about the play and Coughlin’s response, he snapped, "Take responsibility?!… Hey, I woulda run out and tackled that showboating son-of-a-bitch (DeSean Jackson) at the 1 yard-line." Alosi 1 Coughlin 0.

** Speaking of Alosi and "Trip Gate," here’s a take that I haven’t heard expressed in the mainstream media: In baseball, if a guy crowds the plate, the pitcher throws a brush-back pitch. Or if a batter gets beaned in the bottom of the 5th, an opposing batter gets beaned in the top of the 6th. It’s an unwritten rule that keeps everyone on "friendly" terms. If the Jets crowded the sideline to intimidate or impede a gunner, is it crazy to expect a gunner who gets blocked out of bounds to lay the lumber to someone standing too close? Maybe it’s just me, but if I were a gunner, I woulda fixed Sal Alosi’s scheme by knocking him flat on his ass. Hard.

** After yesterday’s Giant meltdown, the New York media began asking team co-owner John Mara about hiring Bill Cowher as the next head coach. "That’s ridiculous. That is ridiculous," Mara said. "Are we down to that? We were writing Bill Cowher stories two months ago and now we are going to write them again. That’s ridiculous." Maybe – but no more ridiculous than giving up 28 points in the game’s final 7 minutes against the hated Eagles.

** Eagles QB Michael Vick said last week that he "would love to get another dog in the future." Hey — I got a lot of one-liners I could use here, but since I love a good steak, criticizing Vick for wanting a dog would only make me a hypocrite. Well, not that being a hypocrite should prevent anyone from ridiculing or lampooning a public figure, but ya know what I mean…

** In a recent radio interview, Tim Hasselbeck said that Rams rookie Sam Bradford is the best QB in the NFC West. He might have been slighting his older brother, Seahawks QB Matt Hasselbeck, but Tim made sure to pile on by saying that WR Mike Williams was the best player on the Seahawks offense and that Matt "has never been good enough to carry an offense." Maybe it’s coincidence, but Hasselbeck got pulled from yesterday’s shellacking against the Falcons and replaced by Charlie Whitehurst. I’m guessing Christmas dinner is going to be a little frosty at the Hasselbeck house.

**My Fantasy Co- MVPs for 2010 are Browns RB Peyton Hillis, whose ADP was 14.05 but stands as the second-best RB in fantasy, and Arian Foster, whose ADP was 3.12 but is currently the top fantasy RB. Either of those two picks got fantasy owners huge value.

** Back in the good old days, QBs called their own plays. Nowadays, well, players are encouraged not to think, but simply to act on what their told. A case in point occurred in the Jags/Colts game. On a crucial 4th-and-1 for the Jags, the coaches called for a pitch to Maurice Jones-Drew OR a QB sneak by David Garrard if the Colts’ defensive scheme allowed for it. Though the defensive scheme allowed for it, Garrard didn’t hear the call for the QB sneak due to a helmet malfunction. He ran the pitch play, MJD dropped the pitch and the rest is history. When asked after the game why he simply didn’t run a QB sneak in any event, Garrard replied, "The thing of it is, it’s not in my head to call it. I’m just thinking of calling the play that is called." A mind is a terrible thing to waste – especially with a QB.

** Ravens QB Joe Flacco was visibly upset when he took a knee from Saints DE Alex Brown after Flacco was already on the ground. WR Derrick Mason ragged on the officials after the game. "I mean come on," Mason said. "You have to protect our quarterback. I know his last name is not (Drew) Brees or (Peyton) Manning or (Tom) Brady. But our quarterback is very good." Yeah, and if your QB’s name is Roethlisberger, they let Ravens defenders break his nose without any penalty. Derrick, give it a rest.

** Titans HC Jeff Fisher gave out only one game ball yesterday – to his OC Mike Heimerdinger, who has continued coaching despite being treated for cancer. Fisher said Heimerdinger was in a "battle for your life, so come on up." Fisher gave Heimerdinger the ball and hugged his friend. The Titans gave Heimerdinger a loud round of applause, and he quietly said, "Thanks." Amen.

** Congrats to Saints QB Drew Brees. He became only the third QB in NFL history to post 5 consecutive 4,000-yard seasons. The other two are Dan Marino and Peyton Manning… On the flip side, Cowboys LB DeMarcus Ware has gotten double-digit sacks for 5 straight years. The last NFL player to do that was Simeon Rice from 2001-2005.

** How in the world did Patriots 313-pound offensive lineman turned kick returner, Dan Connolly, lumber for 71 yards yesterday? You could have timed the play on a sun dial – yet the Packers couldn’t seem to bring him down. Hey, next time, kick away from this guy.

** The Steelers have now lost games to the Ravens, Saints, Patriots and Jets – all likely playoff teams. As long as HC Mike Tomlin has to face a team with inferior talent, his team will have a chance. But expect him to be outcoached – as he was yesterday vs. Rex Ryan – once the playoffs begin.

** Ok, everyone thinks they can outcoach the guys calling the shots of their favorite team. It’s worse with me, since I think I can outcoach all of them (with the exception of Bill Belichick). My beef with most coaches is that they play-call waaaaay tooooo conservatively. So God bless Packers HC Mike McCarthy for starting last night’s game with a successful onside kick against the Patriots. It led to a FG for the 14-point underdog Packers, who almost pulled the upset.

** After yesterday’s 0-4 performance, every team in the NFC West has at least 8 losses, ensuring that the eventual division winner will finish no better than .500. Parity has turned to parody.

** Only 13 teams have had the same starting QB for the entire season this year. Seven starting QBs have been rookies, the most since 2004.