If you are in the process of ending a relationship involving children, and your relationship with your ex is heated, you may have thought about pursuing sole custody so that you would be completely responsible for the kids without having to involve your ex. Prior to deciding to pursue total custody, stop and think about the emotional and financial costs that a custody battle would entail.

Sole custody comes in two flavors. Sole physical custody gives one parent full residence of the child and usually visitation with the other parent. Sole legal custody grants one parent authority to make all decisions on behalf of the child.

The presumption in many courts is joint legal custody where both parents participate in decision making on behalf of their child. This is due, in part, to research that shows the noncustodial parents who are able to parent their child are less likely to become absentee parents. Parents have joint physical custody if the child splits living time evenly between the two parent's homes.

In order to give sole legal custody to a parent, the court will want proof that the other parent cannot perform the parental role. Parents who receive sole custody will still be responsible for complying with court orders regarding visitation and provision of information about the children to the other parent. Courts rarely take away all parenting privileges from a parent who wishes to be involvement with their children even when the child has been abused. The court may award you sole custody, and then order the other parent into treatment with the understanding that the custody decision could be amended at a later time if the unfit parent completes the treatment required.

Sole custody is not a given in any situation. The judge is supposed to rule based on the best interests of the children. But, your definition of best interests and the court's may vary widely.

Sole custody is more likely to be granted in specific situations. If a parent has abused the child, the other parent may receive sole custody. False abuse accusations have become more prevalent, so credible evidence of abuse will have to be provided. In fact, judges some judges have given full custody to the abuser in the belief that the other parent was making false statements to try to win custody.

Incarceration of a parent is sometimes enough reason to give sole custody to the other parent, particularly if the sentence is for a long period. Mental illness or abuse of substances may also be cause to give full custody to the other parent.

A history of physical abuse towards you can result in the court granting full custody to you. But, if the children were not adversely affected by the violence, the court may not see harm to you as cause to take legal custody from the other parent.

If your ex does not see the children, you may be able to get full custody. Often, exes appear out of nowhere when they find out about the court action. If the ex says that he or she wants to remain involved, it's not likely that legal custody will be granted to the other parent.

Consider what going for sole custody is going to cost you. Financially, the bills could easily run into the five-figure range. The stress of a prolonged court fight is extreme and could permanently damage your health. Your children may be put in the middle and used as pawns to spy on you and perpetuate the ex's agenda. You may even be threatened or harmed physically by the ex or one of his or her friends. Kidnapping or other harm to the children beyond emotional abuse could take place.

Even if you share joint legal custody with your ex, you may be able to get some protection from a violent or vindicative ex. Decision making authority could be split be areas such as one parent being responsible for school decision and the other parent being in charge of medical concerns. There are professionals called parenting coordinators that serve as the go between so that warring parents don't have to necessarily communicate with each other.

Think carefully before making a decision to file for sole custody. Unless you are in one of the situations described above where you have a good chance at winning full custody, the time and expense of a custody battle probably won't be worth it to you.