Gaining self control refers to a child having power or control over his or her own actions. This is an important skill for all children to learn.

If children always depend on others, especially their parents or siblings, to make choices for them, they do not learn how to control themselves.

It follows therefore, that they tend not to take responsibility for the choices they make, as they tend to see those choices as others' choices, and not their own.

Children need to learn self control at an early age

Toddlers tend to discover about not interrupting adult's conversations as one of their first learnings about self control.

They also become aware of having to take turns, and of needing to wait for what they want, instead of having it all right away.

It's important to be age appropriate in our expectations for their early learning, however even very small children begin to learn that instant gratification is not always possible. Early learning of this will stand them in good stead.

Enable your small child to learn about self control:

• Teach your child to take a break or some timeout when they feel angry or frustrated.

• Teach your child how to wait during conversations by showing them how to listen while others are talking.

Show them HOW to do this by demonstrating it yourself and using appropriate language to explain what you expect from them.

For example, Please wait until I finish the next sentence and then it's your turn to talk.

Then make sure you listen while your child is talking.

Too often adults disregard children's conversation without realising what they are mirroring to the child by their disregard.

Children need to learn the appropriate skills associated with the feelings of wanting something that they cannot have.

These skills will increase children's self control and tolerance of others.

Show your child that he has other choices around wanting something right now. Explain that he could:

• Ask again later.

• Find something else to do instead.

• Wait until it's his turn.

Identifying their feelings

In order for children to gain self control when they are experiencing strong feelings in a situation, they must know how to identify those feelings.

It is never too early to talk to children about feelings or to help them see the link between their feelings and their behaviour. Linking feelings and behaviour together demonstrates clearly how feelings affect the choices we make, and it can also help children to improve their self-control.

Teach your children HOW:

1. To think about what happened.

2. To think of how they feel their feelings in their body.

3. To recognise the feeling.

4. To speak it out. I feel sad, mad, angry, happy, pleased, scared

Help them to verbalise:

Explain to your child that you want to talk about feelings and how our feelings can send us messages. These messages tell us how we feel about what is happening.

For example, if something is funny you will feel happy and laugh - and if something is sad you might feel upset and cry.

Ask your child to talk about some examples of his own feelings - for example, Tell me about when you felt excited, and a time that you felt sad. What makes you feel upset? Ask them to tell you how they know.

In today's world where instant gratification appears to be the expectation, your child will be much better equipped in social situations if you have given opportunities to learn how to name, manage and control his feelings.

Gaining and having control of himself creates greater self esteem, and a stronger self image.

Most powerful is he who has himself in his own power -

a Roman philosopher