So you wants to parley like a pirate, do yee? Thar be certain matters to attend to afore yee can tack about and talk like a proper tar. Some landlubbers ain't suited for the seafaring life. If yee play golf on Sundays, unless yee cheat most grievously, yee will never speak like a salt. If yee got yee a tattoo, such as be rubbed on and water soluble, yee ain't fit for any fourmaster. If yee plucks daisies rather than daggers, yee best stay in your cottage and away from the cleats, crossties and clutches. Cut your sails now, lump, for yee be headed for nowheres but dead water.

Thems that desire to treat like sea dogs had best pay heed to these words, for there ain't no better chart on how to maneuver through the shoals and shallows of Talk Like A Pirate Day.

Firstly, here be some definitions of pirate words and phrases, what I be certain will come in most handy for your climb up the jack ladder:

1. No: Aaargghh. (Please note that "Aaargghh" has multiple meanings and can be used in a variety of situations. The use of the expression may be utilized to signify general displeasure. Thus, an acceptable response to, "Dear will you throw out the garbage", or "Sweetie, could you empty the bilge water", could be the aforementioned expression. So too, this particular expression may be used as a threat, as in two parties facing each other and growling, "Aaargghh" back and forth several times before one of the parties pierces the other's gallbladder with sword, rapier, blade, foil or cutlass.)

2. Yes: Aye.

3. These bananas are not yet ripe: I wouldst not serve thems fleaworts to a desiccated monkey.

4. My pants are too tight: Me loins are as scragged as hagberries.

5. Run an Excel spreadsheet on these: Hoist the blood count.

6. This little number is by Armani: Yee must have paid yee a ransom for thems habiliments, yee schmuck.

7. On the right: Starboard.

8. On the left: Port.

9. Where is the bathroom?: Whar be the head? (It is considered proper etiquette in some pirate circles to follow up this question with an inquiry regarding the direction of the air current, such as: How blows the wind?)

10. I love you: Remove your garments.

11. Hello: Ahoy.

12. How much will that cost?: Empty your pockets.

13. The check is in the mail: The coxswain will pay yee.

14. I really think that we should see a marriage counselor: The sea be a lovely colour this eventide. Look yee over the railing. More. More . . . Let me hold your ankles whilst yee look.

15. The court is now in session: Hang them curs from the mainmast.

16. To the rear of the ship: Aft.

17. To the front of the ship: Fore.

18. I am thirsty: Grog!

19. I am hungry: I couldst eat a horse from its hooves to its ears, and have me a mule's cobblers for dessert.

20. Isn't the Yoga class meeting in here today?: Didst yee all forget your leggings?

21. I can't: I durst.

22. Aha!: Oho!

23. I happen to disagree with you: I shall cut yee into quarters.

24. Darn!: By thunder!

25. Do you know the way to San Jose?: Take me to perdition or paradise, but by blazes get me out of Detroit. (You can, of course, substitute the city, town, village or shanty of your choice for Detroit.)

Now it ain't sufficient to only speak the piratical tongue, for words don't mean snuff if yee don't sneer whilst speaking them. Therefore and thereby, yee shouldst practice your sneer at least seven times per day in front of your glass until it cracks from the sight of yee.

Neither can yee dress like a tea merchant or a ciphering governess when yee speak. Yee must, if yee be a man, wear a gabardine jacket with brass buttons, what always looks smart over a bare chest. I recommends a handkerchief o'er the skull as an accompaniment. Women, yee must tart yee up but good and don a blouse what shows yee to your best advantage. A small pistol secured in a purse always be practical. If yee look the part, it will aid yee to speak the part.

It ain't for me to throw a bucket of blood over your good intentions, but it be some warty to master the mother tongue of Blackbeard, Calico Jack, Henry Morgan, Anne Bonny and their like, not to mention Long John Silver, him being the most notorious buccaneer of them all. However, if your head ain't permanently clouded by ale or other ablutions, yee may well speak like a pirate if yee recollect some simple rules, them being:

• If it be proper English what yee be treating, it ain't true pirate talk.

• Practice, practice, practice. Yee wouldst not match steel against another without first having parried nor thrusted nor jabbed nor feinted, as you wouldst end up on the wrong side of the scuppers, and so do naught but work your tongue until yee can parley with the best of rogues.

• Get yee to a gathering of your brothers and sisters in blood, as they are always in search of sound salts. Yee can find them sorts most everywhere, and I wouldst encourage yee to hunt for them on what landlubbers call the internet, which be where many what fly the cross and bones hide out these days.

• If yee have yee the liver for it, read a tale or two of the marly life of a sailor, for there be much to be taught from the scrawls of them that lived the life of a true buccaneer.

• Don't take any blather from any landlubber what don't have no appreciation for the ways of the pirate. Sometimes it simply ain't enough to talk the talk. Yee have yee a dagger for a reason, me hearty. Use it on a landlubber what don't understand our ways. A blade in such circumstances can be most eloquent.

©2008 Edward Chupack