Start with the idea that how you do anything is how you do everything and it will empower you to investigate how you relate, not just in a love relationship, but also with yourself and all others. This defuses the mindset of looking to fix what is ‘broken’ and sets you on the path to having magical relationships in all areas of your life. Your DNA is unique and in every cell of your body. The way you relate to life and to others is also unique to you. The way you operate is predictable so it will repeat itself over and over again. Of course, there will be instances when you do not react as you usually do, but if you look at the overall pattern of your behavior, you will start to identify these predictable, recurring ways of relating. In other words, in certain situations with certain types of people, you usually respond the same way.

Using our anthropological/transformational approach, if you become aware of the way you function, behaviors that have heretofore interfered with or destroyed relationships can be identified. Then the Principles of Transformation again come into play. If you realize that you can only have related the way you did until you became aware of your behaviors (Second principle) and if you do not judge what you see, these mechanical behaviors will complete themselves (Third principle), creating the possibility for magical relationships. Of course, if you resist what you discover, this will reinforce your automatic, reflexive behaviors and keep them around (First principle).

NO MATTER WHERE YOU GO, THERE YOU ARE

People have the idea that if they change their location, it will change their lives, but this is not the case.

Here is an example:

Jack moved from Colorado to New York to get away from a dead-end job, difficulties with his associates and a relationship that was going nowhere. Within 5 months, he had alienated most of the people who had befriended him upon his arrival and had subsequently quit his new place of employment. Jack thought the dating scene in New York was brutal; everyone was totally unfair and he needed a change. He picked up and moved to Texas. In this new location, things turned from bad to worse. He started a new business and quickly got into legal troubles. After a long and costly series of dealings with the law, he promised to change his ways and the authorities let him go with a mere ‘slap on the wrist’. So on Jack went to California where he started the same type of business with another dubious partner and he immediately got into similar troubles with business associates as well as with the California State and Federal authorities.

Even though he changed his location, Jack kept creating basically the same circumstances. The same scenario kept recurring wherever he went. People initially liked him, went out of their way to support him and were always disappointed when his true colors became apparent. Even though he met new people in these different places, somehow he managed to create the same outcome, over and over.

Of course, Jack’s story is an extreme example. But it typifies how personal patterns follow people wherever they go. Have you ever noticed that similar interpersonal dynamics between you and others develop over and over? This is not to suggest that you shouldn’t move or find a new boyfriend or girlfriend. What we are suggesting is that the most exciting journey is the one of self-discovery. When you know yourself and are able to dissolve the mechanical responses to your life, then the primary person you are relating to, you, will be an excellent companion.

TRANSFORMATION DISSOLVES THE REPETITIVE NATURE OF LIFE

We had a participant come to one of our winter retreats who was a victim of spousal abuse, having been hit, bitten and beaten. Even the family pet had been threatened with bodily harm. Here is what happened: Jim’s wife, Rita, was abusive (yes, women can be abusive, too). She would regularly fly into a rage and had once even physically attacked a motorist whom she found offensive.

Jim finally found the courage to dissolve this marriage. Rita was not going to change. She was unwilling to be responsible for her anger and how she expressed it.

So Jim found a new relationship. It started well but shortly, he discovered that he wasn’t any happier. His new partner was not physically abusive but communications between them broke down and physical intimacy was rare. Soon Jim discovered that his partner was having affairs.

Life moved on and eventually Jim met and fell in love with the woman who is now his wife. Although Jim and his wife Dahlia are happily married and have been for years, at first, the seeds for disharmony were there.

In the early stages of all three relationships Jim was excited, attentive and loving. As the weeks and months progressed, his habitual way of relating emerged and he became frantic at work, stressed, less communicative and his partners each felt neglected. Resentments grew, intimacy ended and Jim and his mate would fight.

Because we were a part of Jim’s life during all three relationships, we were able to see that he related in a similar manner with all three partners. However, each of these three people dealt with the stresses of his mechanical way of relating with mechanical, reactive behaviors of their own.

His first wife had a violent predisposition and his way of being evoked her rage. His second partner was more quietly aggressive and the way they related resulted in promiscuous behavior. Dahlia had a different predisposition. When upset, she traditionally became quiet, clingy, insecure and depressed. She would want to stay home every night and resented the time that Jim gave to anyone, even his clients.

Here is how Jim and Dahlia went from having a normal, quietly unhappy relationship to creating a great one:

First, each of them realized that when upset, they had ways of relating that were not conducive to creating a magical relationship. With our coaching, Dahlia spoke up about what was bothering her and Jim actually listened without defending himself. He didn’t judge himself for how he was being and interestingly enough, Dahlia didn’t judge him either. She just wanted him to hear her, to know how she felt. She wanted him, the man she fell in love with, not the frenzied fellow he had become.

Actually, all three of Jim’s partners wanted his attention and they all had different ways of expressing their displeasure. We are not saying that Jim caused the violence, the affairs or the depression of his partners. What we are saying is that your unexamined behavior patterns will link up with your partner’s mechanics and produce problems.

Should you stay in a relationship that is violent, for instance, because you have evoked unfinished business in your partner? Of course not. Our point is that your partner is not behaving badly in a vacuum. As we said before, there is no good one and no bad one in a relationship. As Jim became aware of the mechanical ways in which he distanced himself from his partners both emotionally and physically, then he and Dahlia were able to finally express and live from the passion they had for one another and their passion for life.