1. ALWAYS BE UPFRONT AND TRUTHFUL- Young children (5 and under) are very "me focused". They are the center of their world and the cause of all things. Hence anything they are trying to qualify by asking questions about is a direct result of how it will impact them and if they are somehow to blame. Always speak the truth and speak clearly with an immediate response of "No one is to blame for this sickness". If they are included in this journey with the truth, they can quickly be guided to accurate, healthy, and hope-filled interpretations and therefore, less likely to blame themselves.

2. CREATE SITUATIONS DURING THE DAY THAT ARE MEMORABLE AND UNIQUE. Their childhood is NOW, and it can’t wait so pray that the Holy Spirit will give you strategies to make good spots in the day and then direct their prayers at night to focus on these good spots, and be thankful for them. Special times remembered should be the last thing they pray at night, and keep them focused upward on those thoughts as they fall asleep. Special movie times snuggling, coloring times, taking pictures to make a loving scrapbook of memories.

3. Refocus YOUR illness to see it as a shared situation, affecting everyone. Ask the Holy Spirit to lead you and guide you in your understanding so that you may have the wisdom to understand your child’s needs during this time.

4. Keep your lines of communication open and clear. It fights inaccurate assumptions and fears. Tell them you understand their feelings, and share yours.

A. Provide enough facts to allay their fears (medication side effects, its making you sick so that it kills the cancer) B. Always reassure them that they will always be kept informed…you will not surprise them. C. Prepare them ahead of time for what is coming next (hospital stays, interrupted weekends, radiation treatments, loss of hair etc)

Keep all of this as positive as you can, and speak it in Love, pray that God will order your words in a loving way that your child will understand what she needs to.

5. If you have not shared truthfully with your child up until now, and your sickness is like hiding an 800lb elephant in the room with them, you need to apologize that you were not truthful and promise them that you will speak truth going forward. It’s really important that you regain their trust.

6. Teach them that cancer is not contagious. It may sound silly to us, but their minds travel differently. That radiation is not going to light them up…it's like sunburn, you cannot catch it. Alleviate the fears before they come to mind.

7. Empower Your Children…If you know that you are going to have to interrupt plans or cancel field trips because you are tired or sick from treatment, give them an element of control by giving them choices that you can manage while they are with you. It gives them a sense of some control to a situation that has potential disappointment. That is, I cannot go to the beach with you as planned today, so you decide if you would prefer to get videos, games, or arts and crafts to play with while you are with me.

8. Managing their Grief. Young children show grief with

A. Physical symptoms B. Regressive Behavior—thumb sucking C. Self-blame D. Fears and Anxiety E. Aggression or Hiding

Validate them. Reassure them that these losses…trips, family time, cancelled events are short term losses, and allow them to grieve them appropriately.

9. In all things, get them to focus UP …Have them look at what good came today from something that was bad. Because we didn’t do this….we have to do this…..

10. Ask them if they have specific FEARS. Have them draw for you what makes them happy and what makes them sad.

Suggestions: • Create memories now in pictures. Sitting together with your arm around her…. • Swinging together….coloring together….funny faces ….watching TV snuggled up. • Warm loving pictures are going to minister healing in the event of loss later.

Create a "Free From" Cup…get bright colored buttons and have her say what they represent…as she tosses them in the free from cup…ask Gods warring angels to carry them away to dry uninhabited lands far away and never to return. Pray with her always. Just an act in the natural that will signify freedom in the supernatural.

Phyllis J. Tarbox, MA - Above & Beyond Counseling Ministries