What is "People Pleasing?" It is the need to gain the approval of others. What is wrong with that? Nothing, if it is in balance with our own sense of self esteem. When we continually rely on the opinion of others to make us feel good about ourselves, then this need is getting out of control. The key words are "continually rely."

Pat’s feelings were hurt again by her very close friend, Sam. Pat told Sam that her feelings were hurt and Sam felt she was being too sensitive. He feels that she is always too sensitive and should be stronger. Pat feels that she is more of a considerate person rather than a weak sensitive person. She feels Sam does not understand that difference and is resentful of his treatment of her. In her words, she tries and tries to do the things he likes to do, even when she is not interested in those things because close friends sacrifice things for each other. When Sam does not return the same attention, Pat feels taken advantage of which makes her feel angry.

At work, Pat tells her co-workers about her situation with Sam and asks for their opinion. She often discusses work decisions with her co-workers to see what they would do and then changes her mind based on what they tell her even if she thinks her initial decision was the right one. When she does not get the results she was looking for, she feels let down and seeks out more co-worker’s opinions of what happened to make some kind of sense of it.

Pat comes from a good family with very close relationships. Here too, Pat conducts her own private opinion poll of what her family thinks of the situation with Sam, her work decisions, and many other things to be in sync with their opinions before she gives herself permission to be satisfied.

When Pat receives conflicting opinions from Sam, her co-workers, or her family, Pat uses the opinion of the person she respects the most. She has used this method of decision making for years even though it is exhausting at times. She wonders why she is rarely chosen to lead and tries to rationalize it by doing the important work to support the leader. Pat secretly feels empty and insignificant.

Pat’s struggle is in trying to figure out where her place is with Sam, her co-workers and her family. How much easier would things be for Pat if she could realize her own opinions and decisions are just as good as anyone else’s? How much more secure and confident would she be if she realized her own contributions are valuable rather than blindly adopting the opinions of others? The first step for Pat is to believe she is valuable just as she is. When she does this, she will learn to trust her own abilities and build self confidence.

As social creatures, we want to be accepted by people and groups. Still, we need to believe in our own uniqueness and focus on how it adds to people or groups and not focus on how it differs. This perspective is an important distinction. In truth, no one is exactly like ourselves. That is a good thing. Isn’t it marvelous how our different experiences can blend together to accomplish projects and create long-term relationships? This is possible to achieve without giving up who we are in order to please people.