Let’s talk about gas. No, not the price of gas – though in this instance the price can be quite costly – we’re talking farts here, people. Silent But Deadly, Rippers and the Terd Burglars who are frequent offenders.

An old friend once gave me a copy of "Everyone Poops," by Taro Gomi. It’s a great book for young kids and anyone who finds that sort of crap humorous (pun intended). While the ol’ Number Two happens to everyone, there’s a fine art involved with letting gas slide on the sly and doing the doo in public. So sit back and enjoy as StinksNThings.com takes a crap, er, crack at the do’s and don’ts of taking care everyone’s of business in a place of business.

It all starts with the fart, remember that kids. And when you feel nature’s call about to rear its ugly (turtle) head, think of yourself as a Crop Duster and go for a brisk walk around the office and share the wealth (or misfortune) of all that dairy you had for breakfast. One key tip in making the fart rounds – make sure you don’t bring your stink trail back to your cubicle, or you might as well may have sprayed Liquid Ass at your desk.

Once you’ve released your gaseous fumes but know that there’s a certain Act Number Two to follow, it’s time to start plotting your course of action. There’s the old Fly By – scouting your nearest bathroom for occupants – or go on the hunt for Safe Havens, those rarely used bathrooms further from your desk and less likely to get you the nickname Super Pooper.

Now that you’ve found a stall and you’re ready to release the hounds, it’s time to go on tactical alert: Once you’ve taken a seat, anything can happen. Be prepared for the Jail Break – the machine-gun ripping farts whose surprise attack even surprised you. But worse than the Jail Break – by far more embarrassing as well – is the Watermelon. That’s right, the Watermelon: a poo that is so enormous that it creates a splash loud enough to win eight Olympic gold medals. While the Watermelon can empty some water from the bowl, it pales in comparison to the Havana Omelette – yep, diarrhea that creates not one, not two, but a full series of loud splashes. The farts that often go along with the doo are just the tip of the iceberg. It’s the smell that will curl your eyelashes. The stench is so bad that it’s like having a seventh grade flashback to when you first learned of the potency of stink bombs when you mistakenly broke one in your pocket. The stench seems to follow you for hours. But don’t worry, Stinks’, and our years of public pooping, can help.

While everyone will have these unfortunate events happen at the most inopportune times, there is hope in saving your oh-so-valuable reputation: the Courtesy Flush. When the turtle’s head severs, hit the flusher. Don’t wait, just do it. You’ll save yourself – and the Uncle Ted bathroom lingerer – from being tormented by the sad scent of last night’s bar tab. And if that solution isn’t subtle enough, try the Camo-Cough, your smoker’s cough that covers the splash – but not the stench – of your burrito.

So just remember that while there are limited ways to concealing nature’s less-than-great miracles, the only true safe way to do the doo is to do it at home.