The Saga Continues...

Part I Absolutely Tops!

By Nevin Jefferson

No, this isn't about Tops with 10 inches. It's the ten things that a Gay man can do to improve his life. For those who like to go by the book, you can on this one. "10 Smart Things Gay Men Can Do To Improve Their Lives" by Joe Kort. The achievement of happy, healthy, and satisfying lives by Gay men are knocked to hell and back. Due all in part to holding onto self-defeating behavioral patterns. Try after aggravating try, the same mistakes are repeated with frustration leading to misery. It's easy to quit, which is the route most take here with the solution being to nip them in the bud. Then, start the process of moving in the opposite direction without turning or looking back. Joe Kort is an out 'n proud therapist with 16 years experience dealing with hundreds of Gay men, in one on one and group sessions. He conducted workshops and retreats with his book, which provides 10 powerful and positive steps Gay men can take to achieve a healthiest, more rewarding life. This required reading for today's Gay man can be ordered on Alyson.com. For those of you who don't want to be spotted near, in, around, or anything else with a Gay bookstore. You can order it in the privacy of your own home. You could go to a Gay friendly bookstore with Gay friendly clerks. But, you stand the chance of the straight clerk manning the P.A. system then asking: "How much is this Queer book?"

I consulted with various people who I know about the topics and asked for their comments, moans, complaints, and anything else that they could think of. Then, we met for brunch where I had to break up fights, slap hands in grab of hair to pull, duck dishes, watching patrons flee from the restaurant after the onslaught of colorful language. Which made the listeners red in the face and a flush, better then the one you get in a poker game. This episode from the extremely weird and strange ended with a grand major group food fight. Being the polite and well-mannered Queens that we are, we started off throwing hot soup. Of course, we closed down another restaurant thanks to the unbecoming ghetto behavior in public. To redeem ourselves we went hand in hand skipping down the street, then into the bookstore where we all bought the book. With love in our hearts with a pending summons in the not too far away future. A very detail the lawsuit against my friends and I from the restaurant for ruining their business. And not to mention lawsuits from patrons who claimed that they were traumatize from the "Real Drama" from a bunch of real Queens. They'll all be shocked along with the rest of the Gay community that I don't have swat! Neither do my friends who are just as or equally PO( too poor to afford the OR) as I am. We can afford the Absolute 10 was is at a bargain price!

Take responsibility for your own life. If you don't claim responsibility for yourself, you're not going to be concerned about your responsibility to others. To some it goes without saying, but to others it may remain never figured and rot inside of their minds. It's all about owning up to the things that you do and say while at the same time learning a life lesson from it to help others. In the echoes getting louder is the old cry of "it's my parent's fault!" Nice cry, but the truth of the manner is that this only works until your 18th birthday. With 18 on the life register, your problems and solutions are yours and yours alone. True, your perceptions and experiences may be colored by the teachings or lack of thereof from your parents, but once you become an adult, it becomes this simple: "GET OVER IT Gertrude!" Coming from the wrong family isn't anything unusual these days with products of a screwed up household being the norm. Mommy and Daddy have nothing to "DO" with how you act after you're 18, grown, and on your own. Blaming an authority figure for your misdoings, missteps, and wrong doings is a load of crap in a long cargo train. In the event that you end up getting your knuckle rapped for something you did wrong, BLAME YOURSELF! The officer, judge, or whoever is simply doing their job to maintain order and prevent your childish behavior from harming or disturbing others. In other words, as previously heard during our brunch: "Look in the mirror bitch!" Blaming others for the woes and wrongs of your life is just as dumb. It's time to be an adult while becoming a class act within yourself.

2. Affirm yourself by coming out. Another obvious step in growing up and becoming the best you can be. Closets were made for clothes and other garments, so if you don't belong on a hanger or on the shelve, get your ass out there! Hiding from one's true identity and self keeps your self-esteem low and your guilt complexes high. It's a robbery that steals from us the full potential of our unique personality and the task of just being who we are. This includes the Breeder Boys and Girls! If you feel encumbered by fear, there is no way in hell you can completely be your wonderful self. By pretending to be someone and something that you're not just to please others only does extensive damage to one's self. Think of the loss you are imposing upon yourself. There is also greater safety not to mention political clout in numbers. Being afraid to stand up and be counted is why the monsters of history were able to come into power. We must NOT be afraid to tell it like it is. You have to come out to yourself first before you can come out to others. Coming out to a therapist is high recommended because you'll learn how to deal with yourself as a person, while loving yourself as that wonderful person.

3. Resolve issues with your family. This is something that's easier said than done with severing all family ties for the good of one's peace of mind and total freedom. Pleasing your family can lead to depression, anxiety, and break downs of every mental realm. Resolving issues MAY seem to be saying that things can be worked out. Unfortunately, this is not always the case. In some instances - painful as it may be - you have to learn that your family will never accept you as you're truly are. Which is a unique, spiritual being with a "gifted" talent to present to the world. Think what you want to, but remember this; you CAN select your family. If you have issues that cannot be resolved with your biological family, move on. I did and so did my friends and we're better people because of it. We also choose each other as family members who provide love, nurturing, and understanding during the good and bad. An extended family will give as much - if not more - love and support as any biological one can, minus the bullshit and emotional scars. This is NOT to say you should not TRY to resolve matters and keep trying it. It can take years, sometimes decades to get past the hidebound ideologies of the ones closest to you. Then ,there will come a time when it doesn't manner anymore and you can care less how and what they feel. Trying to make right of a wrong situation with sincerity, love, and forgiveness makes you the better person that you know you are.

4. Graduate from eternal adolescence. The best teacher is life achieved and acquired is at the school of hard knocks! Experience is the best teacher. Grow up and act responsibly and you will be treated responsibly. If you can't accept this fact, then don't bitch when society keeps looking down its nose at your sophomoric antics. And don't be the least bit shocked when your own peers do not want anything to do with you. Not to mention the possibility that the mere thought of your name would induce vomiting.

5. Avoid or overcome sexual addiction. My brunch club called this one: "We shall overcum some day!" It's a private joke between those of the celibate sect for the simple joy of a cheap thrill. Okay gang, here's where sexual addiction is broken down for your understanding and grasp of it. Sexual addiction is merely an extension of the feeling of low self worth and low self-esteem. The need to be loved and have the best of hot sex underneath the sheets runs rapid in a horny mind. Loneliness is a mo-fo and quite unbearable. It also leads to the want of sexual desire that has yet to be filled. One finds themselves in the world of casual and meaningless sex of the unsatisfactory lay. Being a slut is NOT going to allow you to find "Mr. Right." The only one you will find with this sort of behavior is "Mr. Right Now". And he won't be there very long. Along with that, the POTENTIAL "Mr. Rights" out there are going to see you for the slut you are and run screaming into the night as you approach. Then, you'll end up doing your part; sending tricks - past, present, and future - to the V.D. Clinic. You'll rack up 'frequent layers miles' for a free shot of penicillin. You'll also feel alone, empty, and cheap, which will fan the flames of your mental hell. As my mother told me: "Nobody wants something that everyone else had. You don't know where they been or who they've been with. Have some tact about yourself while maintaining yourself as a gentleman. Everybody loves a nice guy. Everyone had a slut they're not talking about, except to their friends who'll be next in line for a piece. Listen to your old girl!" Thanks Ma!

The Saga Continues....Look for Part II coming soon.

April 28th 2006