There are some families you just don’t want moving into your suburb aren’t there? You know the type; messy, unsightly, dirty, smelly and a downright menace to polite society. The STD family of diseases is one you definitely don’t want setting up camp in your own personal (ahem) neighbourhood. But the thing is, even with easy STD testing available, it looks like this is one family that’s here to stay so, if they’re sticking around, perhaps you ought to get to know them just a little better.

Big Daddy Gonorrhea

This big fella is not to be messed with. Nicknamed ‘the Clap’, he is extremely common amongst sexually active men and women. He’s easily cured with the proper medication, but if you don’t have an STD test, chances are you won’t even know that he’s moved in! Signs that he’s paying a visit can include unusual or smelly discharge or a burning upon urination. If you do happen to find him camped out at your place, a simple antibiotic course or injection can usually deliver him his marching orders.

Cousin Chlamydia

There’s more to this sneaky Miss than meets the eye. She’s the type that shows up unannounced and you don’t even notice she’s moved in until things start going very, very wrong a few years later. She usually tries to blame it on someone else and Chlamydia is sometimes known as the ‘silent’ STD because, without an STD test, what symptoms you can have are often attributed to something else.

Little Warty Brother

Genital warts are the irritating younger brother of the STD family; annoying, exasperating and with a tendency to hang around where not wanted! As with all little brothers, genital warts can be frustratingly hard to get rid of. As they are a virus not a bacterium they do not respond to antibiotics but it is possible to outwit this juvenile delinquent by freezing, surgery or cauterization.

Great Aunt Syphilis

This Grand Dame of diseases cuts a pretty intimidating figure. She moves slowly, silently but definitely with intent, and without an STD test she can be very difficult to even identify as part of the family. Great Aunt Syphilis is highly infectious in the primary and secondary stages of her life and the old bag doesn’t take no for an answer. Without so much as a ‘by your leave’, she takes any opportunity to spread herself around, and an unprotected sexual experience could leave you with the unwanted guest from hell. Her symptoms can be mild and virtually undetectable without an STD test, but in some cases she may subtly give you a clue she has set up home in the form of painless ulcers, flu-like symptoms, rashes and loss of appetite.

Grandpa Herpes

Just like your Grandpa, you never know when Herpes is going to show up and how long he’s coming for. Herpes is one of the most prevalent STD’s and, just like Grandfathers, comes in many different shapes and sizes. Symptoms of this old boy include backaches, headaches, itching and a more tangible manifestation in open sores or blisters. An STD test can confirm the presence of Herpes and although there is no cure, it can be relatively easily managed with drugs. Like Grandpa, the attacks of Herpes lessen with time, and visits will become less painful and less frequent.