It seems that some men will try anything to avoid wearing a condom. If you find that during the heat of the moment your lover simply refuses to "get it on" as it were, then combat his excuse with our smart guide to "no condom" comebacks. After all, if having to don a plastic sheath is enough to stop him sleeping with you then he’s really not worth it. These ready-made excuses ensure that you play safe, and hopefully eliminate the need for an STD test.

"But I’m too big for condoms"

It’s amazing how many men are convinced that they are just too big for condoms, and if your partner uses this tacky excuse it can be difficult to know how to respond. A roll of the eyes and "are you sure" won’t do any favours for the fragile male ego. The best response in this situation would be to recommend an alternative make and brand. Your local STD test clinic will be able to provide you with a selection of different makes and brands and by experimenting with these you’re bound to find the perfect match.

"I had an STD test recently and I’m clean"

If you don’t know your partner very well that it can be hard to tell whether or not he’s lying with this excuse. You don’t want to insult him by calling him a liar so in this situation the best response would be: "That’s great news. I’m afraid that I haven’t had an STD test before and so if you wear a condom you’ll be protecting the both of us".

"I get embarrassed buying condoms"

A smart response would be "you’d be even more embarrassed if you had to undergo an STD test". However, in the unusual circumstance that you’ve actually met a partner who isn’t man enough to go into a supermarket and place a 12-pack of condoms in his shopping trolley then he’s likely to run for the hills with a retort like that. A more sensitive approach would be to suggest that he buys them online. Many websites deliver condoms in discrete white envelopes and what could be less embarrassing than that.

"Condoms are far too expensive"

The partner who says this might actually have a point. Condoms are costly, but that needn’t be the case. You could suggest splitting the cost, or even forgoing your usual Saturday night movie so that you can buy a box. However, if you don’t want to make any sacrifices, why not suggest a trip to the local family planning clinic where you can stock up on all the condoms you need for free. It’s worth remembering that whilst condoms are expensive they’re a lot cheaper than the cost of an STD test or an unplanned pregnancy.

"I can’t feel anything with a condom on"

There are plenty of ways in which you can answer this popular excuse. One is simply by agreeing with him and stating that whilst he may not be able to feel as much there’s no reason that this needs to be a bad thing. Explain that it allows him to concentrate on other areas of the body which may otherwise be neglected and creates for an all the more sensual experience. If this doesn’t work you could try being a little more abrupt and explain that an infection doesn’t feel so good either. However, the funniest retort we’ve heard to this petty excuse is "Honey, you won’t feel anything unless you’ve got a condom on".