One of our most self-defeating behaviors is the tendency to say yes, when we really want to – and ought to – say no.

In his book, The Power of a Positive No: Save the Deal, Save the Relationship – and Still Say No, William Ury, Co-founder of Harvard’s Program on Negotiation and coauthor of Getting to Yes, suggests that we confuse the issue of whether to say no with how to say no. As he puts it, "Since the how seems impossible, the whether seems predetermined."

Do any of these situations ring a bell?

• You take on a task for a colleague on his timeline that disrupts your own work

• You accept a new matter despite numerous red flags

• You agree to settlement terms when your gut tells you not to

• You accede to someone’s request despite it violating your conscience (at however subtle a level)

Do any of these reasons for not saying "no" sound familiar?

• You feel intimidated by someone else’s authority

• You feel sorry for someone else’s circumstances

• You don’t want to offend someone

• You seek to justify your procrastination on something else

And how do you wind up feeling when you say yes, but want to say no?

• Angry?

• Guilty?

• Resentful?

• Disrespected?

Despite some short-lived alleviation of discomfort, little long-term good comes from this self-defeating behavior.

So what is the power of a positive no? Ultimately, it’s the heightened effectiveness in your professional and personal relationships. And it’s a key to being in, and acting from, integrity. Saying "no" appropriately is one of the key time management skills for lawyers.

Ury’s book is as wise and compassionate as it is practical and instructive. It teaches us, concretely, how to respond with a positive no. And in so doing, it teaches us how to be happier within ourselves and how to be a strong, positive role model for those around us.