Infertility is a couple’s issue.  This fact sometimes gets lost in the process of undergoing fertility treatments because the woman has to do all the heavy lifting, just as she will do the work of having the baby when the treatments are successful.  The man can feel — and be — relegated to the sidelines.

Still, men have an important role to play in the relationship, and it gets even more important when he and his partner face the challenge of infertility.  There can be no question that infertility presents a crisis in a relationship.  How couples handle the crisis can make or break that bond.

When the crisis is not handled well, the situation can deteriorate quickly.  The infertility diagnosis sends both people into a tailspin, eliciting grief with components of sadness, anger and, perhaps, even guilt and shame.  Although the partners comfort each other at first, this attitude might not last.  Especially if the couple doesn’t take the time to work through the grief properly, they might sail headlong into fertility treatments without being prepared for the stress.

The woman undergoes the treatments while the man sits helplessly by, feeling less than useful and finally pulling away.  The woman becomes increasingly frustrated and then worried than she’s losing her source of support.  This is a formula for breakdown.

Avoiding this kind of scenario is one of the objectives of the fertility doctors at the Reproductive Resource Center, a Kansas City fertility clinic providing in vitro fertilization (IVF), egg donation and other services.  These physicians strongly encourage couples to work through the inevitable emotional fallout that comes with an infertility diagnosis before planning a fertility treatment course.

In fact, dealing with an infertility diagnosis can strengthen a relationship.  This statement might sound strange, but it makes sense because the issues that have to be worked through are not only about infertility.  They touch on problems of honesty, trust, communication and responsibility.  Many couples have found that the experience actually makes them better partners and better parents.

Not everyone enters a relationship with a full ability to communicate openly and honestly.  This lack is often not felt until a real crisis arises, and by then, it can be too late to change.  Because infertility often becomes an issue early in a relationship, there’s room for change and growth.  The partners are not set in their ways.

Coping with infertility and with fertility treatments demands good communication to avoid misperceptions about a partner’s attitude or feelings.  Questions must be asked and answered to keep the couple on an even keel.  Needless to say, the questions must be well-intentioned and the answers honest.  Trust is key.  Facing fertility challenges is a team effort, and on a winning team, the members trust each other and always work together.