Finding Balance on the Help Tightrope

Too much help? Too little? What is enough when it comes to helping with schoolwork? It’s the tightrope that every parent walks.

In the past, education has been left up to the schools. Now, with a more demanding curriculum, overworked teachers, an under funded education system, parents find themselves increasingly more involved with their kid’s schoolwork. That is a good thing! However, learning how to help your children has become more important than ever.

The help tightrope is narrow with extremes of “too little” and “too much”, hovering on both sides of that fine line—the fine line that separates the independent learner from the dependent one. Examining both sides will help you to identify your helping style.

On one side, you work with your child all the time—through the complete process

right to the finished product. Sometimes if your child is having difficulty with any part of an assignment you do it with him, well maybe for him/her, just a little bit---so that s/he will know what to do, of course. You check everything that your child is doing just to make sure it is absolutely perfect—up to your standards, and if not the work needs to be redone, again and again if necessary. You want your child to learn early on what an acceptable finished product should look like—acceptable by your standards.

On the other side you have a completely hands off approach to any schoolwork your child has. Schoolwork is totally his/her responsibility. Sometimes you sense that your child may not be doing schoolwork---she was on the phone for quite a while, he was instant messaging last time you were in his room, however you’re not getting involved. How else is your child going to learn any responsibility…. and schoolwork is your child’s responsibility, not yours.

You feel that by comparing your child to his/her siblings or peers this sets a good

example for him/her to follow—something to strive for. After all we all need someone to look up to, so you make very sure to provide many examples to your child of people doing better. These positive examples of success will serve as a role model—will define expectations for your child.

On the other side of the tightrope, you don’t provide any expectations for your child to strive towards, even in areas of strength. Your child will accomplish whatever s/he chooses to without any examples to help from you. They will find their own road to success. They don’t need you to provide any role models to guide them on their way.

You continuously lecture, nag, correct your child, focusing on the areas of need.

Whatever it takes to remediate your child’s challenges, you will do---tutors, computer programs, books, additional work---even if other extracurricular activities have to be suspended. You feel that it is worth it in the long run. Hockey, dance lessons, soccer, all of that can wait. You have to “fix” the problem, now. You completely focus in on what s/he isn’t “good at”.

On the other hand, you never lecture, nag or correct—ever. You’re sure your child will get the help s/he needs when they feel like it. You’re not too worried that your child isn’t doing well in say, Math. After all, s/he comes by it quite naturally since you’re not good at it either. Must be genetic. Why focus on something that can’t be fixed?

You develop your child’s strengths by enrolling him/her in many lessons and

extracurricular activities—so much so that schoolwork is taking a back seat, squeezed in between one lesson and the other, done in the car or right before bedtime. Your child is constantly on the go, with no real downtime or schoolwork time. You want to help your child be well rounded, with well developed skills in his/her abilities. After all, when a child feels good about him/herself, their confidence is higher and they do better in school, right? And…. it is good to expose them to many things, it opens their mind.

Your child isn’t in any lessons at all. After all children need to be children. They have a great deal of unstructured time with nothing really to fill it. Their strengths will develop naturally.

When your child has a long term assignment, you are there—fully involved. You

assist in every aspect, correcting, editing, extensively offering numerous suggestions and incorporating many of your own ideas. After putting in all those finishing touches, the end product is simply an outstanding success---if you do say so yourself. This is absolutely the best assignment you—er—your child has ever done.

The other side of the help tightrope doesn’t get involved at all. You may be aware of the general overview of what has to be done, if your child chooses to tell you. If asked, you will take your child to the library or to the store to buy supplies, however it is all left up to the child. You feel that your child will have a greater sense of accomplishment if they do the work totally on their own….and, they will learn how to plan and organize.

You take complete ownership of your child’s concerns and never allow for natural

consequences, even in repeat offences. If your child forgets their assignment at home or a book at school or doesn’t complete something on time---you spring into action—picking up, dropping off, explaining, justifying, whatever you need to do. You feel that it is your job to protect your child—help your child in any way possible for as long as possible.

On the other hand, you don’t take any ownership at any time for any reason, whatsoever. Tough love at all costs is your motto.

You insist your child stick to a task until totally finished---never mind the

frustration. Perseverance is important---it really pays off in the end. Allowing a break would only take his/her focus off what needs to be done and in the long run the task will take longer to complete. If necessary, you will sit with your child and make sure s/he finishes.

On the other side, you allow your child to negotiate when completing a task or even make excuses for him/her when they decide not to finish something because it takes too much thought and effort, or is “too hard”. Schoolwork then gets done, sort of, in between television shows, phone calls, outdoor activities, if at all. Even if you feel that your child has not really tried their best on something, you let it go, accepting their rationalizations.

You have a set schedule to which your child must rigidly adhere to. A time for

schoolwork, a time for recreation, a time for bedtime—for everything there is a time—no exceptions of any kind. If something unexpected occurs, then it throws you in a tizzy. Flexibility has no place in your home.

You, on the other hand do not have a framework or a set of guidelines of any kind regarding schoolwork and studying. Everything will get done in its own time at its own pace. A schedule of any kind has no place in your home.

The ultimate “too much” is when every test, every performance, every school

related activity your child is involved in gives you a headache, an upset stomach, sleep disturbances—makes you apprehensive. That is when you know you have fallen off the help tightrope.

Balancing is precarious. You need to provide support without total involvement. You need to provide guidance without control. You need to provide structure without rigidity. You need to know—really know what your child needs and then help them to help themselves. If you find yourself doing the work for your child, no matter the reason, you are doing “too much”. On the other hand, if you find your child is frustrated, overwhelmed, overworked and you don’t know why, then you are doing “too little”. Look to the end results —to determine if your child is becoming increasingly independent—to determine if your child is achieving success in school---to determine if you have achieved balance on the help tightrope.