For me, one of the scariest parts of giving birth a second time around was waiting to see if I developed postpartum depression like I did after the birth of my first child. I honestly didn’t know if I could go through it again.

During my bout with postpartum depression after the birth of my first daughter three years ago, I read up on this unique brand of depression as much as possible, but honestly found the information a little too sterile to really relate to what I was experiencing. Descriptions of “intense and irrational feelings of fear” didn’t come close to describing the overwhelming terror that permeated every area of my life.

I cried constantly. I remember holding my beautiful baby girl as she lay fast asleep and sobbing uncontrollably because I felt completely unworthy to have such a wonderful child. I hadn’t done anything to deserve to be a mother and yet here I was blessed with such a precious little person.

Since I was given the responsibility for such an amazing little baby, I knew that I had to protect her from any form of danger. Unfortunately, danger was at every turn. I was afraid to go out for a car ride because we might get in an accident. I didn’t want to go for a walk because a car might lose control and run over us or someone might steal my baby. I didn’t want to answer the phone in case something happened while I turned to get it and I didn’t want to have anyone over in case they were sick and could pass it on to us.

For almost a full year I didn’t really go anywhere and didn’t really do anything. I belonged to a new moms group but hardly ever went. The only reason I did go to a few meetings at the local health unit was out of my intense concern that I would miss something important pertaining to the health and well-being of my child.

Three years later the moms from that group have an amazing bond and close friendship that I’m so sad I missed out on. But at the time I felt physically unable to connect to others or to leave the house.

One thing I did do was talk to my doctor about it. This was no easy task. Our discussion about postpartum depression was probably one of the most difficult and frightening talks I’ve ever had with my doctor. I was terrified that when I admitted to an intense depression my doctor would call social services and take my child away.

When she asked if I had any feelings of anger towards the baby or if I wanted to hurt my child I had to force back the tears and managed to say, “How could I ever feel that way? I love her so much and just want to be the best mommy possible. I don’t even deserve such a wonderful child!”

My doctor suggested I find someone to talk to about my postpartum depression, but I didn’t. It just didn’t seem possible to talk about a subject that so heavily burdened my heart. She also suggested an increase in my antidepressant medication, which I did do and which did help a little.

In the end, it took a full year to come out of that postpartum fog and I’m honestly scared to death of ever experiencing it again.

Apparently there is no one trigger for postpartum depression. Instead it is believed to result from many complex factors, such as rapid hormonal changes and stress or exhaustion after delivery.

My doctor had told me during my pregnancy that because of my history with depression that postpartum depression was a very strong likelihood. She was right. I was told that chances were even better to develop it again after giving birth to my second daughter. Fortunately they were wrong about that.

My youngest daughter turned one year old last month and her first year of life was so different for me than her older sister’s was. The intense fear is gone, the passionate self-loathing has vanished and I actually feel like a normal mom that’s doing her best, most of the time.