Is Your Internet Honey Lying to You?
Computers & Technology → Internet
- Author Susan Dunn,
- Published November 3, 2005
- Word count 1,213
Internet dating has so much going for it. It’s convenient,
it’s easy, it’s affordable, and for many, it’s the best (or
only) way to meet eligible people to date. If you live in a
secluded area, or in a place where there aren’t many
eligible people with the qualifications you’re looking for,
it can seem like a godsend. You can swing a wider net, and
that’s all to the good.
With sites such as match.com, eharmony.com,
conservativematch.com, jewishsinglesusa.com,
catholicsingles.com, true.com, seniorsingles.com,
italiansingles.com, largeandlovely.com, baldrus.com,
germansingles.com, largefriends.com and
millionairematch.com/i/af3005921, what a
choice! And new ones are added daily.
Individuals who are looking provide data about themselves,
and in some cases, such as eharmony and true.com, take a
personality test, and the two of you send a set of prepared
questions back and forth before commencing to protected
email. Some sites attempt to match people for
compatibility. Most sites allow you to communicate within
the site before sharing your real email address, and you’re
cautioned not to give too much personal information.
How can you tell if the person is misrepresenting important
facts about themselves? We heard one case where an
individual posing as a female had a long correspondence with
a man, and even flew to meet him. The poor guy was
expecting a woman at the airport. Why would someone do
this? I don’t know, do you? There are some crazy people
out there.
One site takes some effort to protect registrants, doing a
criminal background screening using an Internet database, to
eliminate people with a U. S. felony or sexual offense
conviction. However, Internet databases aren’t reliable.
You can check for sexual offenders yourself. Most states
are required to establish and maintain a statewide Sex
Offender Database on the Internet showing people who’ve been
convicted of certain sex offenses and/or crimes against
children. Google “sex offender” and your state. However,
these sites don’t list other criminal convictions.
Many people lie about being married. If someone is
representing themselves as single when married, they can be
guilty of fraud and subject to civil and criminal penalties
under US federal and state law. Title 18, Section 1343 of
the US Code authorizes fines up to $250,000 and jail
sentences up to five years for each offense.
But more importantly, if you get involved with someone who’s
misrepresenting, you’ll waste time and energy, may endure
needless heartache, and your physical safety may even be
at risk.
You need to know, however, that Internet databases are
incomplete, even the ones you pay for. Services such as
thecloser.cc have access to privileged information. Why not
eliminate sources of worry that you can?
What can you do to protect yourself? Here are some tips:
- Have the person investigated. This is the only way to
know for sure.
- Keep within the confines of the dating website at first,
without exchanging any personal information. With just your
last name and home town someone can find out where you live.
That information is readily available on the ‘net.
- If you feel it safe to meet with the person, agree to
meet in a public place. Before you go, give the person’s
name and information to a friend, and take your cell phone
with you. Tell them where you’re going, and specify a time
for your return. (You want to time-limit the first date
anyway.) Then if you don’t return, your friend can take
action.
- Gentlemen should know that the current dating rules, ones
we recommend, are that the gentleman do the traveling –
either to some place in the woman’s neighborhood, or to her
state, if from out-of-town. Ladies, this is for your
safety. The man does the work.
- Work with a dating/relationship coach. Those of us who
work in this area are familiar with “yellow flags” and “red
flags” and can guide you in the process. It will shorten
the learning curve.
- Be aware that relationships conducted in writing can give
a false sense of intimacy and security. People are
different on paper than in real life. Since I coach in this
area, I peruse profiles continually. I have yet to read
someone say “I have an uncontrollable temper,” “I am jealous
and possessive,” “I beat my first wife, but had anger
management coaching,” “I’m a gold-digger and a pathologic
liar,” or “I’m an alcoholic and a sorry mother.”
- Don’t read things into what is said, and let your
fantasies run wild. When a man says “I’m sensitive,” he may
be recently divorced and mean he’s sensitive about himself,
i.e., full of self-pity. When a woman says she’s
“independent” it may mean no man has wanted her so far – for
good reasons.
- Gentlemen, avoid women with “professions” that preclude
stable relationships, such as strippers and belly dancers.
Exercise caution with women who have had children but never
married, unless you fancy paying child support for 18 years
for a child you didn’t want in the first place. If she did
it to someone else, she will do it to you. (You can also
end up with custody of the child if he or she bonds with you
and requests it, and/or the court orders it.)
- Ladies, any man who proposes to you in an email should be
eliminated. It demonstrates either a lack of reason, or
desperation. Send them to the Russian bride site! Don’t
fool yourself that you’re “that special” and someone’s
finally discovered “the real you.” It isn’t about you.
Furthermore, men fall in love visually, and when the two of
you meet is when the rubber hits the road.
- Be wary of individuals from outside the US who come on
too strong. It’s a sad fact of life they may be interested
in getting papers.
- Meet the person (when you feel it’s safe) as soon as
possible, and until then, don’t let your heart go. It’s the
“fit” between the two of you, the chemistry (emotional and
mental as well as physical), and that must be explored over
time, and in person.
- Go slowly. Use your head. Think. If it seems to be
too good to be true, it is.
- Avoid people who are separated or newly divorced. Let
them cut their teeth on someone else. Men, particularly,
move too fast, wanting to assuage the emotional pain with
“the love of a woman.” You want to be loved for the
individual woman you are, after being known, not some woman
– any woman – who gives affection.
- Avoid people who clearly don’t want you to know them.
If you feel like they’re hiding something, they are!
- Use your EQ and your IQ. Think smart, and manage your
emotions.
Your goal is to take care of yourself and find the love of
your life. Hopefully you’ll have an enjoyable experience
dating on the Internet. Like anything else, you’ll get
better with practice, and learn how to eliminate
non-candidates more rapidly. There are plenty of great
people looking on the Internet. After all, you are, aren’t
you?
©Susan Dunn, MA, The EQ Coach, http://www.susandunn.cc .
Coaching, Internet courses and ebooks to prepare you to find
mate of your dreams. Mailto:sdunn@susandunn.cc for more
information, and free EQ ezine. Join millionairematch.com
to find successful singles like yourself:
http://www.MillionaireMatch.com/i/af3005921 . To
investigate the person you’re dating, let The Closer help
you, www.thecloser.cc . We want you to have a great dating
experience on the Internet!
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