CHALLENGE: “Whenever David doesn’t get his way he throws

himself on the floor, screams, kicks and cries incessantly.

What can we do to help him overcome this behavior?”

TIP: What is David getting out of this behavior. First make

sure that you are not rewarding this type of behavior,

positively or negatively because both will help keep it alive.

If you eventually give in to this behavior by changing your

initial decision (not letting David go out to play, refusing

David a cookie), David has learned that tantrums work. Hence,

when David wants his way he may think, “ a good tantrum just

may get me that candy bar, it got me out of bedtime last

night.” Negative attention (yelling, threatening, ridicule,

spanking) seldom changes the behavior. Getting you upset may be

just as rewarding as giving in to their demands. So again, make

sure you are not unintentionally rewarding David for this

behavior.

TIP: Be proactive. Think of the situations that invite David's

meltdowns and head them off before they happen. Do questions

that require a yes or no answer provoke a tantrum? Instead of

"Do you want a peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch

David?" try "It is time for lunch David. Would you like PB&J or

macaroni and cheese?" Advance notice may help as well. "We will

be leaving Grandma's in ten minutes. Get everything you want to

take care of completed before we go." Is David more likely to

throw a tantrum when he is tired? Then you may want to provide

an opportunity for him to take a nap.

TIP: Consequence. Be sure to tie the consequence back to the

misbehavior. “David, remember the last time we went to the

store and you threw a fit because I wouldn’t let you have that

Power Ranger? Remember how you kept putting it in the cart and

screaming that you wanted it? Well I am going shopping but you

won’t be going with me. I just don’t feel like dealing with

that kind of behavior today. Mrs. Hamblin is here to watch you

until I get back. Try to make the best of it. Love ya, bye.”

TIP: Move David to a different location. The key is for you to

model taking care of yourself. Your ears hurt when you hear

David’s screaming. You may not be able to control whether or

not David has a tantrum, but you can control where he does it.

“Tantrums are for the bedroom. Let’s go.” You may want to give

him a choice. “Where do you want to be until you can get that

under control, the bathroom or the laundry room? If David can’t

decide quickly, you decide for him. Come on out when there is no

more crying and screaming.”

TIP: Notice the exceptions. Point out the times when David may

have thrown a tantrum but did not. “I really appreciate how you

came in the house when I asked without throwing a “fit”. You

should feel good about being able to do that.”

TIP: Give the behavior a name. This will help externalize the

problem, which is to say, it separates the person from the

problem. It helps David and the family view the behavior as the

problem and not him (the problem is the problem). For example,

you could call David’s tantrums the “uglies”. This can help put

David and you on the same side in the battle against the

“uglies”. Questions like “can you think of a time when you have

beat the “uglies” David? How did you do it? or how do you know

when the “uglies” are coming? What can you do to stop them?

”David may enjoy the imagery of conquering the “uglies” and

this can give David a sense of control over the behavior.

TIP: Acknowledge his feelings. This aligns you with David and

sets the stage for

him to begin to work through his own problems.

David: “Dad, can I get this Power Ranger?”

Dad: “No, David I am not buying toys today.”

David: Eyebrows coming closer together and lip starting to

pucker. “But it is the last one I need and I will have them

all.”

Dad: “Not today David.”

David: Screaming and crying. “You never get me anything I ask

for. You don’t love me.”

Dad: Acknowledging David’s feelings. “You must feel really sad

about not being able to get the Power Ranger. I know I

sometimes feel bad when I can’t get what I want.”

David: Sniffling. “Yea, I really want it.”

Dad: “Tell you what. (Taking pen and paper out of planner) I

will write this down as “things David wants”.”

David: “Okay Dad.”

You can later use this list for surprises or gifts for special

occasions.

TIP: Tell David what you are going to do. “David, I’ll come

back down stairs when you get that under control” or “I will be

happy to talk to you when you are not crying and you voice is

soft like mine.”

TIP: Ignore the tantrum. If your have the will power to

outright ignore the behavior you must remember that it may get

worse before it gets better. That is, when David’s behavior

doesn’t produce the desired results, he may turn it up a notch

to see if a higher intensity level gets a response. Be careful.

If you give in and respond to the higher level or longer

duration, David learns that is how intense or how long he needs

to tantrum from now on in order to receive attention.

TIP: Direct David toward a different way of expressing how he

feels. “David, here is some paper and crayons. How about

drawing how you are feeling right now.” This is a positive,

less annoying way of communicating how he feels.