This article is aimed at women. Why? Because, of course, yes, there are alternatives to Viagra but most men wouldn't be interested in them. They don't want an alternative. They want the dream. They've bought the myth of the Magic Pill. Whatever the problem - whether it's rage, or lack of talent, or a physical infirmity – they assume there has to be something small and powdery that you can pop down your throat and solve the problem. Remember, Men are from Mars. No argument there. They want 'a solution'. Just like all the unemployed youth in deprived Inner City estates (or hedonistic airheads in well-paid jobs and empty, worth-nothing careers) they look for the answers in a chemical.

It won't work. In the first place, you can't cure old age. The years go by and your eyesight goes, your sense of smell gets worse, your memory fades. Why shouldn't your manly bits lose their vigour? Men can't accept that. They love the idea that you can pop a pill and feel as frisky and wanting as when you were in your 20's. How would they know? How can they see what's happening down there in their groin area when they're peering over mounds of excess flab and unwanted stomach? Having taken their bodies for granted for years, and filled them full of calorie-packed beer and processed meat, they expect it all to keep on functioning perfectly, delivering satisfaction in the bedroom, just like it always did.

Ask their wives. If women told it like it really is – which men would hate to hear – the truth is that most men are hopeless in the bedroom. Women know that, but they haven't the heart to tell their menfolk. When the men say proudly, 'Viagra has made me feel 10 years younger', most women will cringe and think, 'It wasn't that great ten years ago'. The fact is that the majority of men are selfish lovers. All they care about is their own satisfaction. They hear their wives moan with feigned pleasure and are fooled. Viagra can give them more of that, but they shouldn't be surprised if their partners look underwhelmed at their new, enthusiastic, pill-enhanced performance.

There are many alternatives to Viagra, including Bach Flower Remedies, Thought Field Therapy and Knipe Water Therapy. Unfortunately they all take time and effort and don't give that immediate feeling of 'I can carry on as I am' while the loving deficit is restored. For a start, here's an idea. Why not be more sexy? Stop doing what you do, men, spending all your time with your pals in pubs and clubs, enjoying sport and senseless chatter, and devote more time to your partners. Take your wives out to dinner, spend at least some of your attention in listening to what they have to say, and see the returns in the warm reception you might get later at night. The fact is that most women respond to an attentive lover, not someone who's idea of sex is ten minutes last thing on a Saturday night before sleep.

Here's another idea. Give up sex. Yes, admit your age and grow old gracefully. If you're a man in his 40s or 50s, then no, you aren't going to have the fire of your old self, twenty years earlier. Discuss it with your wife. Ask her if she really would miss doing what you did back then. Ah, but there's a catch. Yes, you have to talk to her. I said it again. You have to discuss your troubles and be prepared for a bit of the big 'E', emotion, something most men run from in terror. Instead, they want to go on the internet, look up the word Viagra, see the millions – yes, millions – of opportunities to find it, spend some money and get Magic Pills delivered to their door. Then, well, it's worth it, isn't it? It means you don't have to discuss things with anyone – those embarrassing, personal things – you can fix the problem, (or so you think), and go right on believing you will never grow old, nothing will change, and you won't have to adjust to anything. There's only one issue left. That it's a strictly one-sided view of things, and, like the man used to say, 'It takes two to tango'. Shouldn't you be discussing your dance steps with your partner? Or are you too ashamed to break the habit of a lifetime?