Create a United Front means that there should be 1 set of rules for a child, no matter where they go. With a single set of rules, the child knows exactly what is expected of him or her, and what is considered not acceptable.

The worst scenario I have seen of this was a couple of years ago, a single mother brought her 6 year old son to me for help with his behavior. She said that he was totally out of control and she was fed up, frustrated, and exhausted.

As I got the background information on the family situation, it instantly became clear what at least one of the issues was - Imagine This:

Parents are divorced and share custody Each parent has a baby sitter in case the need arises. On average 2 times a week Both sets of Grand Parents help out when they are able The child is in Latch Key which is an After school Daycare Program

and not one of these groups spoke to the others about the rules for the child.

THAT'S 7 DIFFERENT SETS OF RULES!!!!

It was no wonder to me why the child was "out of control". The rules changed every time his location changed. After working with both parents to create a set of rules they both agreed with, Alex - the son, became a much happier child in about 2 weeks!!

Now while the above example leans towards the extreme, I have seen many parents sabotage one another or grand parents who did not see the harm they were causing. For example: The parents decided that the family dining habits were not beneficial to raise healthy children. They made the commitment to get rid of all sweets and junk food in the house and only purchase healthy snacks and cook healthy meals. Well, Grandma and Grandpa lived next door to this family, so whenever the kids wanted junk food, they would run next door and get it from the Grandparents. Even though the grandparents knew about the healthy eating plan, they did not want to upset their grandchildren, so they gave them whatever they wanted.

Time to educate the grandparents. Not only are the grandparents sabotaging the parents authority by allowing the children to break the rules, they are hurting the children for the rest of their lives by allowing them to eat all that excess junk food. Once the grandparents were educated about the harm they were causing, they quickly jumped on board to help the parents and began making healthy snacks and meals. It became a great family time activity to make meals as a family.

What Type of Household Do You Have?

Single Parent Home - In this situation, there is only one parent involved in raising the child - not a divorce scenario where custody is shared. You are IT! Now the common down side I see from the majority of families in this situation is the parent has a difficult time being GOOD COP AND BAD COP. It is a constant struggle to find the balance between stern and Dictator. Worse, a lot of times the parent tries to be the child's best friend, and that is a recipe for disaster. A parent should NEVER attempt to be their child's friend!! This destroys the entire authority role in the child's eyes and if the parent EVER attempts to regain it, resentment, conflict, arguments, betrayal, and fighting are all that remain. My rule: we can be friendly, but never friends. I treat all of my families that way. I am your teacher and mentor. Friends can be found everywhere you look.......there is only one ME and I am going to share all of my knowledge with you to make you the most successful person I know. You can adopt this philosophy as well - you will always be your child's ONLY parent. Be the best role model you can be.

2 Parent Household - Same or different home - this would include any divorce situations where custody is shared. No grandparents, daycare, or babysitters. Your first goal is to sit down with your spouse or significant other and create a scenario to answer these two situations:

Never argue in front of your child. This includes within earshot. It amazes me the number of parents who believe that because they cannot see the child, that the child cannot hear them. Gone are the days of the Cleaver family, so I am not saying that everything has to be perfect and everyone always gets along. You are free to disagree and DISCUSS matters at all times. Unfortunately, most people feel the best way to be understood is to yell, scream, rant, ridicule and belittle their spouse or significant other. Designate a time and location to argue - even if you never have to use it.

Create a list of consequences. One of the main items of disagreement I hear from parents is when it comes to discipline. One parent is too lacks in the rules while the other parent is Hitler. Find the common ground you both can live with. The child should not face a different consequence to their behavior because you had a particularly bad day at work or are fed up with seeing that behavior. This type of Emotional Parenting Method will leave your child uncertain and confused about the rules, and confused children become introverted children who lack self confidence and self esteem. Example: child comes home late, let's say by an hour. Here are several ways I have found this situation handled:

Go to your room. You have lost TV and phone privileges for the week You are not allowed to go out with those "friends" ever again Your are grounded 1 day for every minute you are late so that means 60 days

Now while each of these possibilities makes sense to the parent, which one is used should not be a roll of the dice. As a parent, you are going through a whirlwind of emotions from Thank Goodness they are home safe and are OK, all the way up to Now that I know you are safe I am going to kill you myself!!!

This is not the time to be handing out arbitrary and EMOTIONAL discipline. If you and your spouse have your list created, you can simply state the consequence. Granted you are not going to have a consequence for every possible situation, but you can have it set up for generic situations and decide together where the current infraction falls. (See Table 1 below)

Notice that the categories are general enough to be able to handle MOST situations that you are likely to face. This table is just a small sample. You should have several more categories once your list is completed. Don't be afraid to add more as time goes on.

Extended Help Family. This would involve 1 or 2 parents, 1 or 2 sets of grandparents, daycare, latch key, or babysitters on a daily or weekly basis. This family absolutely must have a list of rules and consequences. Have each group read the list, ask them if they have any questions, concerns, or comments about the list, ask if they will agree to follow the list, have them sign it, and give them a copy of the list. Parents in this situation still need to complete the questions asked to the last group as well.

There you have it, the three family situations and the steps needed to Create a United Front. Which category do you fall into? No matter, you should have the answers from all three groups so that you are prepared to handle as many situations as possible BEFORE they occur. Now if you find a situation that you are not sure how to handle, please feel free to email it to me at denny@warrenkarate.com and I will be happy to give you my input. Or even if you have all ready handled the situation, but are having doubts as to whether you did the best thing possible, email the scenario and I will share some of my thoughts with you.