Still easily agitated from a sugar overload (http://kimchelltalk.com/2010/09/negative-affects-of-sugar/) earlier in the week and doing all I know how to do to keep the cravings at bay I managed to engage in a battle of who was right and wrong with James-Simon. It’s silly really since there’s no real right and wrong to anything, there are only perspectives and consequences.

On this night we had declined plans with friends so that we could do what we needed to do to get ready for our daughter’s visit and get to bed at a decent time since we had at least 6 hours of driving the next day.

I came home a little after 9pm from running some errands to a messy house. This has historically been a switch of mine; that when flipped has taken me from being carefree and singing in the car to feeling a great deal of frustration upon first sight. I have been working to release a belief that it’s rude and inconsiderate to let someone else come home to a messy environment. I have held tightly to the belief that they should take a little of their time to clean up (at least) the bulkier messes when I'm out taking my time and doing things for the home, and those in it. James-Simon had been preoccupied with his work and his business ventures so household things in preparation for his daughter’s visit were simply lower on his list of priorities. He was in the flow of things; feeling inspired and was just going with it.

I had a plan for my evening, and I do love to see a plan through to its fruition. I planned to come home, put away my things, do some light cleaning that I assumed would remain to be done, have a little wine, finish up my work from the morning, get ready for bed, and read a little bit before turning the lights out. But without a conscious knowing I changed my plan for the evening and made James-Simon my scapegoat.

When I walked in the door I became frustrated as the mess of everything smacked me in the face and took me back to an old familiar place on Aggravation Avenue. My turmoil grew as I noticed that he was on the phone, and only began to do things around the house when I did. My story of this "event" got bigger and bigger as I started to play old movies in my mind of how he always does this, and how it’s always about him. In my head I was referencing similar arguments that we’d had in the past and I began focusing on other little annoying habits of his.

Wanting to get to my original plan and get us both to bed at a decent hour, I decided to help him get things ready for Janel’s visit. In doing so I put off what I needed to do for my self and my own business. I was up much too late for my liking and didn’t end up waking up until 7am, a full hour and a half later than usual. I felt frustrated, irritated, like I was being treated unfairly and like my schedule, my plans, and my needs were not being considered.

When I turned it around, when I stepped outside the box of it all and looked within, it was so interesting. It was all true. I was being treated unfairly. My schedule, my plans, and my needs were not being considered… by ME.

I had created an expectation within my self for what I thought another person should be doing. This is funny, because I’m always saying "if you have an expectation for me to do something other than what I’m doing then you’re setting your self up for disappointment." Of course when I’m eating my own words they just don’t look or taste as good.

I was actually frustrated and irritated with my self for allowing my self to be sidetracked and overly concerned with what another person was doing. I was being inconsiderate of my self by not tending to my own needs, by not making me a priority, and by not sticking to my own plans for what I needed to do.

There was no one telling me that I had to do anything. I created within my self the expectation that the house and the things in it had to be a certain way before I could do what I wanted to do.

I could have stuck to my original plan. I could have done exactly what I wanted to do and tucked my self in to bed when I planned on going to bed. But instead I became ensnarled in what someone else was doing or not doing and made them my focus instead of keeping my focus on me where it belonged.

What if I was the one who was home, working on my business, feeling greatly inspired and had lost my self in the flow of creativity? What if I ventured from the previously plotted course to follow the path that was being laid before me? Would he be upset with me for not picking up a handful of things around the kitchen, doing the dishes, or vacuuming the floors as promised? Would I be punished (essentially) for not sticking to the plan? Would I want to be with someone who behaved and treated me in such a manner?

Experience is the greatest teacher and the more aware you become of the thoughts you have, the better you get at minimizes these types of experiences in your own life. The primary objective here is recognizing the role you play in the thoughts you have, the emotions you experience, the words you speak and the actions you take.

In this particular situation it was not James-Simon’s responsibility to live up to an expectation that I have, and most especially one that I do not adequately communicate.

I could have expressed my frustration immediately to release it. Instead, I let my frustration lead me from the moment I walked in the door. When I did express my frustrations I was already pretty fired up so I only gave snarky bits and pieces. As I allowed my irritation to grow the bigger my story and feelings of injustice about the whole incident became and the less I wanted to communicate; which is (of course) the most essential time to communicate.

I made a choice, rather conscious or unconscious, intentional or otherwise to get frustrated, to make a mountain out of a mole hill, and to set up camp there for the night. Frustration feels yucky, and by the time I got it out of my system so I could go to sleep with peace in my mind it was after 1:15am and I still woke up with less than pleasant thoughts.

These may not be the most flattering of characteristics in a person but they’re real, they’re honest, we all have them, and I'm comfortable with the assumption that we’ve all don precisely what I’ve described.

Can you recall a time when you too have been ridiculous? When you have gotten tangled up in your own thoughts and digressed into an old behavior? Do you remember a time when you were upset with your self but directed those frustrations towards someone else? Are you blaming someone now for a short coming you feel within your self?

If you are able to answer yes to any of the above questions then may I be the first to say "Congratulations" and "good for you." It is not easy nor is it fun to take ownership for displacing your blame. You are becoming aware of your thoughts, of the buttons you have, and how to release them. You are creating awareness within your self on how to better handle situations going forward. You are becoming aware of the importance of taking time for your self, of not getting distracted from your own needs. You are becoming aware of the power you hold in taking ownership for how you feel. You are discovering how to change your thoughts and better communicate your feelings going forward and may I say again… "Good For You… You’re A rock star and I’m proud to count you as a reader!"

The longer you wait to express your frustration the more likely it is to grow. The sooner you can acknowledge your negative thoughts and emotions the sooner you can release them. Take a deep breathe, sit down immediately with a pad of paper and write out what you're upset about so that you can articulate your self in a coherent manner. Be as detailed as possible in writing what you're upset about and why, what could be different that would be pleasing to you, and what would have been the ideal circumstance. You may find that accepting what is and just focusing on your self can be quite beneficial. Be sure to take ownership. Do you have expectation for someone else to fulfill? Have you taken the time to adequately express what you need from your partner or are you assuming that they already know? Then take a few minutes to calmy express your thoughts and perspectives to the other person. You'll be much better received and are much more likely to get somewhere if you can calmly articulate your perspective.

Paul Brown once said that you can learn a line from a win but a book from a defeat. When you can recognize and take ownership for these unflattering moments you can learn volumes about your self and how to create better, more worthwhile experiences in your own life.

I hope that this article sheds light on some areas where you too may have displaced your blame and helps you to learn what you can do for your self to create the life experiences you’re meant to have.

Most Sincerely,

KimChell Haskell