You know those irksome topics in your relationship that just keep popping up over and over (and over) again? Those topics that you just can’t seem to resolve or see eye-to-eye on? These topics are like the moles in that Whack-a-Mole arcade game. You know that game where the moles keep popping up and no matter how hard you try - even if you think you’ve knocked ‘em down for good - they just pop right back up.

When tricky moles rear their head in your relationship it can feel impossible to get rid of them. They may very well bring with them arguments and tension. These moles tend to pop up more often when parents are working and stressed; when time together feels like a commercial break rather than high quality programming.

There will always be things that you and your partner disagree on. The good news is that you can move from conflict to calm in your relationship by putting the four steps below to work.

Here’s an example of a mole that used to pop up regularly for me and my husband. We have some different beliefs related to healthcare and our three kids. I am a yoga instructor and have a more alternative orientation when it comes to the body and trusting holistic therapies like acupuncture and herbs, etc. My husband, on the other hand, for big health issues especially, would prefer to stick with the recommendations of our well-trained mainstream doctor.

And, while it would have been much easier (for me) if he agreed with me, the truth is that neither of us is wrong. His beliefs are just as valid as mine. And, because we are committed to vivid living as a family, we had to find a way to be together around this topic in a way that felt true and right for both of us. We used the steps below to do it. You can use them too.

4 Steps to Move from Conflict to Calm

1. Time Out: When that mole pops up instead of holding on tightly to your position and talking it to death, take some space to be silent and reflect. Take 30 minutes or even a day to not talk about the issue while getting clear on your perspective, as well as your partner’s.

2. Trust Yourself & Your Partner: Instead of assuming that one of you is wrong trust in the goodness each of you brings to the table. Try to see your partner’s point of view as just that – a point of view. Trust that each of you is wise in your own way and has a valid and important view to share.

3. Be Clear and Open: Create a space for the two of you to come back together (don’t forget to breathe). Share your truth or desire clearly and openly. It is okay (even wonderful) for you to both to have different points of view. Share your understanding of your partner’s position, too. Be open to change, compromise or even agreeing to disagree.

4. Design What’s Next Together: Literally say, "Now we must figure out how we are going to come together on this issue even though we disagree." From there, talk about what each of you wants and what the common, middle ground would look like and feel like. Get creative here and find a solution that you both can live with, for now. Try it out and then redesign down the road if your first design didn’t work.

So rather than playing a game of "Whack-a-Mole" when the tough topics pop up in your relationship, use these 4 steps to help you move from repeat conversations into an empowered, calm and collaborative space together.