When it comes to handling conflicts, I personally have a sense of belief that there exists a single skill that can be said to be the most important. Even so, the idea of having ‘the most important skill’ is still mind boggling. Naturally, the ability to handle conflicts-whether to resolve or manage them-is a combination of many skills, so we expect that there isn’t one which can be said to ‘the most important’. In a way, it's like asking what the most important ingredient of a cake is. If you've ever baked one you know that there isn't such an ingredient as a good cake requires flour, sugar, eggs, etc. and not just the right ingredient but also the right amount of each. Without the required list and in the right amount we'll get a tasteless cake.

Applying the same analogy of baking a good cake, conflict handling will have a slight difference in that there is an ingredient on top of which all others are built. As a matter of fact, this ingredient is quite essential in any process involving change. In that light, conflict resolution is a specific situation of change creation, as one needs to convert conflict patterns - whether before they've become apparent or after they have reached the surface - into a more constructive pattern.

This brings me to the most important conflict handling skill, reflection.

Reflection is one's ability to truly contemplate oneself.

Conflicts are the result of egoic patterns – patterns that come from the mind and which compel us to behave in what I refer to as conflict prone behavior. For instance, the egoic bias of relativism, the tendency to compare one's situation, possession or whatever is currently perceived under scarcity with another person’s situation, is prone to make one regard the situation at hand as a 'Me vs. You' situation. As you can easily deduce, no collaborative endeavor is possible when such a perception reigns. With that in mind, if you find yourself frowning with the thought "of course it's a Me vs. You situation, after all it IS a conflict we're talking about here..." then you are a perfect proof of the idea I have put forward above. We are so engrossed to the egoic mind patterns to an extent that they literally govern the way we regard, and to a deeper extent, react to conflicts.

Within a pattern, no critical thinking is ever possible. This feature is the essence of any pattern. It serves as a minimal thinking unit and hence does not enable any thinking within it. In one hand, patterns serve as major time savers-we tend to act in a predetermined way without getting entangled in unnecessary thinking. A good example is your ability to drive without having to think of our next action, a phenomena that’s quite beneficial. On the other hand, the supposed blessing is in itself a curse since without conscious awareness; the driver will be acting as an auto pilot. Thus, in order to create a change in one’s course of action, a light must be switched on-the conscience should be awoken. Such a light can only be switched on only in the presence of reflection. Only when you truly envisage yourself will you be able to make notice of the pattern and be able to contain it.

As I highlighted earlier, handling disputes is a definite situation of creating a transition. If one is engrossed in the bias of relativism, he will continue fighting the other side as this is what he perceives as the only way to achieve his goals. When you contemplate your behavior in the long run, you might discover that clutching onto a Me vs. You mindset doesn’t really work to one’s advantage, but rather incapacitates it.

There exists one catastrophe though; the reflective ability diminishes around conflicts. This fact helps explain why conflicting parties often act in a way that is clearly not in their best interest and hence are usually unable to stop. During disputes, the power to self-reflection is replaced by a frantic clinging to one’s school of thought, with the aim of self-justification. In the absence of self-awareness, discussing proper goal setting, or using communication skills, or any other conflict handling skills is of no benefit since all other conflict handling strategies are relevant only when reflection is present. It is therefore clear at this point that the most important skill in conflict handling and management is reflection.

How can you create reflection when you get entangled in a dispute? The response is simple, just become aware of the signs of the conflict patterns, after which you will realize that you are reacting from the pattern. It is therefore one’s responsibility to pay great attention to the conflict pattern, which will induce the process of creation of self-reflection.

You might have detected a circular problem with 'just become aware of the signs of conflicts patterns' as in order to ignite reflective ability, one needs to use some form of reflection that will enable him to pay attention to the signs of the conflict pattern. This is indeed so, yet a repetitive attention will create such an awareness that can start the process of reflection creation.

In case you may want to know more about self-awareness, I recommend Eckhart Toll's excellent book The Power of Now. And if you want to read more about conflict handling, kindly visit our Resource Center and Shop where you can find posts and clips, e-books and e-courses about conflict resolution, conflict management, sales and many other confrontational situations.