MIRAGE OF DIVORCE AND SEPARATION

Marriage is a sacred topic and it is not everyone that can freely and boldly speak on this topic based on their past, experiences and lifestyle. Plus, it is not everyone that can also be listened to or get advice from as a young growing guy or lady. Wisdom is profitable to direct; nevertheless, the source of this wisdom is very important because wisdom can be destructive and implicative if not handled and used well.

While growing up, we have always learnt religiously how that a man should have a wife. We have always heard that marriage is a ‘once and forever’ thing. We have almost believed in marriage than salvation as eternal. We have always learnt that a bishop is to have one wife. We have been told that divorce is not an option in marriage. Meanwhile, this song of divorce is largely heard all through the Christian platforms, so everyone is aware that divorce is not an option. All pastors and Christian marriage speakers have spoken about divorce and we can literally say that marriage is a ‘no turning back’ matter.

In time past, we have seen marriages that are at the edge of tearing apart but because of this ‘divorce is not allowed’, many marriages have been settled. Many fights have been resolved. Many mistakes have been forgiven and bad stories have been forgotten. All these to ensure and show that divorce is not an option in marriages. Notwithstanding, we have many other marriages that still went south. At some point we got to invent the word ‘separated’. We were made to believe that being separated is mildly different from being divorced. But I put it to you that being separated and being divorced is the same.

About some weeks back, we heard of the death of a vibrant minister in the church of God (Minister Osinachi Nwachukwu). Actually, this write up is not to put this story on the lime light but to address the issue of what we are being told versus what we see or what is quite obtainable in our days. It was heard and agreed that this woman died as a result of domestic violence or domestic violence was a major cause that led to her untimely death. Different pastors from different denominations said so much about this. Marriage counsellors made their stand known. Single ladies, married people and older generation also said one or two things about this. But the intriguing part is that a large percent supported the fact that she could have walked away from her home. Walked away from her home means; leave her husband who abused her physically, take her children away from the abusive home, go back to her father’s house or start living as a single mother or as ‘separated’.

Domestic violence should not be supported in any form. Ladies are the beautiful beings we are given by God. They are to be loved, cherished, protected and nurtured. Violence is never the best form of solution to disagreement. The abused are also encouraged not to die in silence.

Now, hundreds of people were in support that leaving her home should be the next in line. Now, I have multiple of questions that were never answered;

1. Leave her husband’s house to where?

Her father’s house or to start living alone or to her pastor’s house?

2. Leave her home till when?

Till her husband gets back to his senses? (which is 50/50) or till a pastor mediates? Or till when exactly?

3. What do you really expect from the children from such marriage? what has being the current state of children from broken homes? what would be their psychological state? What if they ask of their daddy, what will the woman say? Can she really singularly take care of the children needs?

4. What if she is not yet a mother? Won’t she crave/pray and desire to be a mother too? Will she choose to live without children? Will she not be vulnerable to other good-looking men? Is she permitted to touch herself in the cold of the nights?

5. What exactly is the difference between the divorced life and the separated life?

Among many other unsaid questions, how many of the people advocating for separation for the abused are ready to sponsor or render help to the abused? How many are really thinking from the perspective of the abused? We can’t be so right until we hear what the abused have to say, we need to know her reasons for staying in an abused marriage without speaking out. What was her fears? What was she considering? Many other people in such situation, how best can they be helped without resolving to divorce/separation? How many marriage councilors are really telling us what is actually obtainable and not what is read in a book or a Hollywood story.

The life we used to revere some years back is now being presented to us as a two-sided placard. If its not working, then go for separation since it is not divorce. The marriage we have learnt to cherish and see as sacred institution has now being re-presented to us with compromise. We are now being advised to compromise when ‘for worse’ is in display.