In our free course about the Top 10 Compatibilities for a Successful Relationship and in our Love by Design book we mention that one of the potential incompatitabilities in a relationship is what we call people who are Charactered Disordered. Character disordered people are people who simply put, lack character.

When a person lacks character it is hard to have a relationship with them because they only play by their own rules and are often not up front and honest in their relationship. They are also not interested in playing fair in any situation. It is these same characteristics that make up what is commonly known know days as a player.

We have received a lot of feedback and questions asking for more information about people who are character disordered and how to tell if your partner is one of them. So we have created this article to go over 10 Common Signs that your partner is Character Disordered.

As a preamble, most people to a certain degree are like the following examples, but is when your partner has these traits down to a science, and it is natural and easy, frequent and intentional that’s when you know they are character disordered. I go over each one in turn.

1. IT”S YOUR FAULT, NOT MY FAULT TACTIC

2. SUBCONSCIOUS INFLUENCING WORDS LIKE “YOU” AND“ SHOULD”

3. OPPORTUNITIST- INTENTIALLY KEEPS DISCUSSIONS OPEN TO BE ABLE TO USE UNSOLVED DISCUSSIONS TO THEIR ADVANTAGE

4. YEAH, YEAH, WE WILL DISCUSS THAT LATER SYNDROME

5. FAIT DU COMPLETE EXTRODAIRE

6. WATCH THEM PLAY A GAME TO SEE WHAT THERE PARADIGM ABOUT LIFE IS

7. DRAMA QUEEN/KING

8. USES SOCIAL PRESSURE AGAINST YOU

9. HAS NO TROUBLE OR REGRET ABOUT LYING

10. AGREE WITH YOUR POINT OF VIEW AT FIRST SO YOU WILL NOT CATCH ON AS THEY CHANGE PLANS- the HGTV example

11. ITS’ YOUR FAULT. NOT MY FAULT TACTIC- A sign of a character disordered person is someone who always blames other people. They can constantly be heard saying it’s your fault, it’s not my fault. They will also never take responsibility for anything, it is always the other person, place or things fault. The tree hit my car, not that I hit the tree with my car. When it can get really bad is when they turn around any situation to make it look like you have the problem not them. If you are having a fight, you started it and you are the person stirring up problems, or making them feel bad or if you suspect your character disordered partner is lying about something, they will turn it around and say you are being paranoid or have trust issues.

Sometimes they have developed this talent unconsciously, but majority of the time they are intentionally trying to influence or control the situation by turning the situation back on you or other people.

2. SUBCONSCIOUS INFLUENCING WORDS LIKE “YOU” AND“ SHOULD”

People often use influencing words and words that directly effect the subconscious without realizing that they are doing it. Trained sales people and people who know a lot about the subconscious mind also may use these types of words intentionally. As far as whether character disordered people are aware of the power of these words or not, it is a guarantee that these words are a major part of their vocabulary. The biggest word is “You”; second biggest is “should”. If you are with a character disordered person who will constantly hear them saying. “You are paranoid” “You are the one with the problem.” “You should take care of your kids “You should stop blaming me” “You need to decide what is best for the kids.” “You should listen to what I say.” If these words are used enough, it can have an effect on even the strongest willed person. Later in this article, I will give you an example of this combined with some of the other signs.

3. OPPORTUNITIST- INTENTIALLY KEEPS DISCUSSIONS OPEN TO BE ABLE TO USE UNSOLVED DISCUSSIONS TO THEIR ADVANTAGE

A clever character disordered person has learned the art of never missing an opportunity by being vague and/or never completing a discussion, that way they have options as to how to back out or influence the situation. For example, if a character disordered person was undecided as to whether that want to close the deal on a partnership with someone, they will say, “well, we will have to sit down and discuss the details as to how we are going to split the profits, but they don’t actually sit down and have the discussion, that way if they choose to pull out, they haven’t been cornered into the deal or owe anything. Another example, as given by a person who was character disordered in the past, was were the person had a verbal agreement to do some freelance work for someone, they agreed on an initial price, but nothing was put in writing or signed, so half way through the work, the character ordered person decided they wanted to be paid a higher price and there was nothing the other person could do in this case, because they really needed the work done and realized after the fact, they didn’t have a signed deal.

4. YEAH, YEAH, WE WILL DISCUSS THAT LATER SYNDROME

Similar to the optimist sign, you will often hear the character disordered person say “Yeah, Yeah, we will talk about that later.” Then they never get back to your discussion. There is always (conveniently for them of course) something that is going on, so they cannot discuss what you need to discuss. They are running late, there is something more important to discuss, they need to discuss something first in order to discuss what ever it is that you need to discuss etc. but there is no real intention on their part of coming back to your discussion.

5. FAIT DU COMPLETE EXTORDIARE

A Fait du Complete is where someone decides something that effects you without your say in it that is too late for you to do anything about. What better way for a character disordered person to get what they want then by doing what they want then telling you about it after the fact, when it’s too late. For example, “ Oh, Honey, I know we didn’t discuss this, but here’s our new puppy that I picked up from the Human Society on the way home from work” Or “ Oh by the way, I just gambled $200 dollars at the casino on the way home from work. “ Sometimes, you may have a discussion, but they go off and do what you were discussing even if you didn’t come to a final decision about it.

6. WATCH THEM PLAY A GAME TO SEE WHAT THEIR PARADIGM ABOUT LIFE IS

The best way to be able to tell what a person’s beliefs and paradigm about themselves and life is how they play games. So the best way to observe your partner is watch them play. Don’t play against them, or tell them what you are doing, just observe them. For example, if the partner is playing poker with their friends, watch over your partner’s shoulder. If you catch them cheating, it could be for different reasons. I once knew a person who felt like they needed to cheat because they felt like that is the only way they can win. Other people just cheat because can, or because they are really good at it. Whether the person is cheating because they feel they need to or because they can and are glib about it, they are still cheating, this is a how they approach life and is a common sign of a character disordered person.

7. DRAMA QUEEN/KING CONTROL DRAMAS

What is a Control Drama? A control drama is a way or technique that people use to try to get what they want which is often causes conflict and is usually learned or developed unconsciously. Although the ways that the people are using control dramas may appear to work for them in the moment, often it doesn’t achieve their goals and causes damage in the relationship. The following are control dramas:

· Criticism or guilt

· Charm, gifts, doing stuff for another

· Crying

· Yelling or Screaming

· Threats, verbal or physical

· Pulling away, shutting down or not talking to your partner

· Hurting themselves, breaking things (consciously or unconsciously) or throwing things

· Being nice

· Giving affection or sex

· Using security, children, money, relatives, using social pressure, (i.e. what will our friends and family say or think if you don’t do…) or any combination of people, places and things to get what you want.

Character Disordered people often use control dramas because they can be very influencing on other people, especially the more emotion that is involved. Of course lots of people use control dramas, but a character person has control dramas down to an art form and can be very smooth, especially if they are using such techniques as using charm or even criticism. Charm is especially effective, because almost always character disordered people are very charming, which is why they can get away with as much as they do and as frequently as they do.

8. USES SOCIAL PRESSURE AGAINST YOU

A form of control dramas, social pressure, which is often used by the Expressive Personality, is used as a weapon with a character disordered person who will use social influence to influence you, especially if you are people centred. Character disordered people will say things like “What will you Mother think if you don’t do ___” or “What will your friends think if you do ___” “Your children are going to think ___ of you if you don’t do ___.” It is a very strong way of influencing or quilting you into doing whatever it is that they want you to do.

9. HAS NO TROUBLE OR REGRET ABOUT LYING

Now a character disordered person is usually smart enough not to get caught in a lie about you by you. However, they are more likely to be caught lying about other things or other people. If you find that your partner is telling lies about other things or to other people and they seem non chalent, glib or even boastful about it like “I called in sick for work today and went out and partied with my friends, it really had effect on my partners at work, but hah, hah, I had a really f\un day playing hooky.” This is a pretty good indication that they are character disordered, trust me. If it is that easy for them to lie, what stops them from lying to you to?

10. AGREE WITH YOUR POINT OF VIEW AT FIRST SO YOU WILL NOT CATCH ON AS THEY CHANGE PLANS- the HGTV example

For the grand finale, here is a technique character disordered people use to throw people off as the do what they really want to do. I will use an example of a couple I saw, as a watched in awe, a charactered disordered person do their thing on an HGTV show.

The story was of a couple, (I’ll make up their names,) Hope, the wife and her husband C.D. The couple was married and had two children together; about a year ago they had separated. They were originally living in C.D.’s house, but when they separated, Hope went and got her own house. Now, in the present, they decided that they wanted to get back together and for the sake of the family, they were going to sell both of their properties and have a fresh start in a brand new home.

Hope at the beginning of the show adamantly explained that she couldn’t stand C.D.’s house, there was not one single thing she liked about it and all it had for her was bad memories of their life before their separation. She definitely wanted a new, fresh start in a new house, since C.D. didn’t like her house either.

Also near the beginning of the program, they were shown driving in their car together, where we hear C.D. tell his wife Hope that he totally agreed with Hope’s need to start fresh in their new home, and although it was going to stress their finances a bit, he was totally supportive of them BOTH selling their homes as soon as possible, so they can all be a family again.

Now, as I was watching this, there was warning bells, going on in my head. C.D. just felt like he could be a control drama king, and he appeared charming, so I kept a close eye on him. I was soon to find out that in deed, his little agreement with his wife, was indeed a smoke screen so she wouldn’t see what he was really doing, which was that he had no intention of selling his house and that he was going to get her to move back in with him.

So they used their friends who were real estate agents, and put both of their houses up for sale at the same time. C.D. made it a competition with his wife to see who could get their house sold first. Hope made a real strong effort to get her house sold before him. Now a month or so went by, there had been a lot of interest in Hope’s house, but not C.D.s, so C.D. decided to “temporarily” pull his house of the market, to do some renovations like new hardwood floors and then put it back on the market. In the meantime, there was a lot of drama going on and offers falling through on Hopes house, and C.D. turned his attentions to helping her sell her property, while spending lots and lots of money on renovating his property.

Now, a couple of months later, you now hear C.D. setting the stage with Hope by telling her things like, “ Well, this is taking a lot of time and effort selling our houses, YOU (NOTE: influencing words) Hope, should think about the needs of the kids don’t you want us the be a family as soon as possible? Maybe you should think about just moving into my house once sell your house, so we can save time and money.”

Did you notice all the "you"s, "shoulds" and social pressure and guilt being used in his sentencing above?

So at this point Hope, is wavering a bit, but continues to sell her house not having agreed to move back in his house. Another month goes by, Hope’s house is finally sold. C.D.s house is almost finished being renovated, and conveniently for him, isn’t back on the market and although we don’t hear everything he has been saying to her, Hope's final statements in the show were the following:

“Well, I sold my house, and I’ve decided to move back in to C.D’s house, like he said, we will save time and be a family again and he really made an effort and put a lot of money into renovating his house, so it’s almost like starting fresh, so I am happy about moving back in. “

I sat back in awe, it was like she was brainwashed, 3 months earlier, she was a strong, independent woman who knew exactly what she wanted, and within that time, before the audiences eyes she was cleverly and subtlety influenced to moving back in with her husband. Makes you wonder why they separated in the first place.

So the example above was an example of a character disorder in action. Now, the purpose of this article is not to judge people who are character disordered. They have their reasons, one way or another for why they are they way they are.

The purpose of the article is to be able to give you the awareness of potentially what you are dealing with and to be able to even out the playing field in order for you to be able to tell if you will be able to get your needs met in your relationship.