The decision to take your friendship into a new phase by engaging in sexual activity, of any kind, can be a difficult one to make. Many people have brilliant insight on the subject, but too often this comes after one or two ruined friendships and a mountain of regret. It may not be the easiest situation to plan for, taking that incredible step with a person that you’re already so close to; in many cases people feel it simply happens and before either person involved could reason out the consequences, the relationship was forever changed. If you believe that you too might find yourself someday looking into the eyes of an adored companion with more on your mind than friendship bracelets, read on for a little advice about how to steer clear of some of the usual pitfalls and how both of you can come through the situation with your friendship intact.

Know What Your Expectations Are

  Many people convince themselves that they are comfortable with certain situations when in truth they are not. Before you begin a new phase of a relationship with a person who is already dear to you, try to remember what qualities brought you together to begin with; how well will those attributes you share be affected?

• I don’t want to share you! Jealousy is a terrible feeling to experience and though at times is a sign of insecurity can also be an indication that a person is very uncomfortable with the boundaries of their relationship. Before you engage in an act that for some can be extremely personal, it is important to know and make clear your feelings on this subject. To pretend that you are comfortable not being exclusive, in hopes that eventually your friend will no longer wish to see other people is a recipe for disaster. Know what you want and don’t be afraid to explain your feelings; anything short of this will most likely lead to the end of your friendship eventually. There is no doubt that revealing such feelings can place a person in a very vulnerable position, however if a person chooses instead to deceive both their friend, and often themselves, what kind of future can the relationship have?

• Good in bed, but anywhere else? Opposites often attract, but they have a funny way of pushing apart too. Many people enjoy friendships with people who would make dreadful significant others, regardless of your sexual desires it is important to know whether or not you see your friend as a compatible person to spend your life with; even if at first you both agree that you have no desire to enter into a relationship of that nature, it may come up eventually and it is good to know just how you feel about it if it does.

The Prep Talk:

  If you have thought about or see the possibility of sex entering into your now platonic friendship with a person, one of the first steps you can take to avoid disaster is to discuss your thoughts with that person.

• We need to talk: One of the first things you need to know is whether or not your friend shares your feelings about where the friendship could be headed. After knowing the response to this question one of two things should (hopefully,) be clear: either your friend is interested, or unfortunately, your friend is not. Most people intensely regret informing their friend about such feelings when they are not returned, however, in many cases the friend has already been somewhat aware of such feelings for a long time and now that the truth is out, you can each move forward with your lives.  In many cases friendships struggle greatly after such information is revealed simply because rejection can be an uncomfortable burden to bear on either side, however, often the person being rejected is now free to develop interest in other people rather than dwelling on a person who does not return their feelings which can be a very healthy step in the relationship. If the response is positive, your friend does indeed share your feelings, this will be a good time to discuss how you would like to proceed in the relationship. Skipping ahead to the physical action is no doubt fun, but if intentions and expectations are not clear the result can be disastrous.

• Questions to Ponder: When you discuss taking your relationship to the next level with your friend being specific about what you hope to see change in the relationship is a must. When discussing these expectations remember that if you and your friend disagree it is important to know how these conflicts will be handled. A few questions that might help:

• If we are going to be sleeping together, does that make our relationship exclusive, or are we both comfortable with idea of seeing other people? + Will other people in our lives be aware of this change or we keeping that information to ourselves? + Is it possible that this change will affect any people that we care about and if so how? + Are we going to be committing to each other; i.e.: boyfriend/girlfriend or are we trying to keep the normal relationship criteria out of our situation? Are we dating? + If we sleep together and decide that seeing other people is acceptable, but then one of us becomes jealous, how will we handle it? + Is it possible that eventually these urges will wear off and if so do we both feel that we can remain friends afterward?

  Many other questions may arise when you choose to discuss the situation with your friend; it is often helpful to write some of your concerns down before you talk so that if you should become nervous during the conversation, you will have ideas to refer to.

  Now that you have put some thought into what you want out of the relationship, talked with your friend and discussed what you would both like to see come of this change, you have taken some excellent steps toward preventing the ruination of your friendship. In many cases a build of up sexual tension will take place during the time period; by pondering the possibilities in such detail and especially after having a successful discussion with the person you desire it might feel impossible to delay the moment any longer. For some people, this may be the first time you have ever engaged in a sexual act with a person you truly care about and it is important to remember how much they mean to you even while in the throes of passion; be careful to maintain that special level of affection during your intimacy.

The Aftermath:      In many cases the time right after sex, or in the few days that follow, can be awkward for two people who, only a short time ago, had not expected to find themselves in bed together.  This time period can be quite difficult and you may both be dealing with strange feelings however well you tried to prepare.  One of the most important steps that you take during this period, regardless of what kind of relationship you now have, is to keep communicating your feelings with that special person. Sex changes a relationship in the majority of cases and you may be experiencing some unexpected results; maintain the same level of honesty with your friend, even if the results leave you in a negative situation. 

• This isn’t going to work: Rejection is a possibility on either side of the friendship now that you have entered this new phase and though it may be difficult, it is not impossible to recover from as long as honesty in maintained. If such feelings arise, be as delicate and respectful as possible. Regardless of the experiences you have shared in this change remember that this is a person you respect and care about and they deserve to know that those feelings still exist. + Falling for you: Perhaps one of the most amazing and wonderful outcomes of incorporating sex into your friendship can be that you find a person with whom you can share your life.  Beginning a relationship through friendship usually creates a strong and lasting closeness that can last a life time, if your feelings head in this direction don’t be afraid to pursue them.

• Friends with Benefits? In some cases people are able to remain friends while having sex without wanting or needing to turn their friendship into another kind of relationship. As long as both you and your friend feel comfortable with this arrangement it can be a wonderful experience. If your feelings about the relationship change, or you suspect your friend of having difficulties with it just remember to be open and reassuring; even if you have decided to remain just friends that doesn’t mean that you’re not both emotionally invested in the situation. If however that level of comfort ability remains throughout the time period when you are having sex and you remain open and honest, in all likelihood your friendship will remain strong and intact.

With so many possibilities, desires and emotional reactions, taking a step like this in a friendship can be one of the scariest decisions a person faces. A friendship does not have to be destroyed by sex, nor does it mean that a commitment must be made. If both friends continue to express how these changes are making them feel and remaining honest there is no reason to fear such intimacy. Physical attraction is a powerful feeling and can lead to some amazing experiences; above all keep in mind that this person is dear to you, that this person is your friend.