I wrote an article a little while ago called "Is Learning How To Get Your Ex Back Right For You?" and what I seem to see from the responses to the article is that either this is mostly a guy-type issue or the woman don't like to talk much about getting an ex back.

It surprised me a little because it doesn't seem to be a specifically male or female issue. There are several problems with trying to get your ex back and also several different ways to approach it. First, let's consider the realities.

A lover or mate leaves for a reason. Often they're gone from the relationship a long time before they walk out the door. How the break happens has a lot to do with whether and how learning to get your ex back even makes sense to attempt. If it happened over time and you didn't see it coming, some learning about the basics of relationships better come first. We all go to school but schools rarely teach us some of the most important things in life - like how to start and keep a good healthy relationship. So we fumble around and make mistakes and aren't even sure what was a mistake so we can fix it.

Is it any wonder so many of us have so much trouble keeping healthy long-term relationships alive and well? We expect the impossible, ignore the actual, deny the problems, and then wonder what happened. And this has nothing to do with being smart or dumb, having a great job or working as a clerk, being a high school dropout or a PhD, rich or poor. If you didn't happen to be really lucky and learn by modeling your own behavior on people who really have discovered how to have great relationships, none of the rest of that matters.

The point is - you get your ex back and in 3 months what's going to happen? If you haven't discovered the "whats" and "whys" that caused the break and picked up some new "hows" so the same old tired scenes don't repeat, then ... Well, I'm sure you see what's likely to happen.

And what if you haven't really thought this through. You better be really certain that learning how to get your ex back is what you want, because when you do, your ex is probably not going to have changed.

There's a huge fantasy we fall into sometimes - it goes like this: if only I could get my ex back then everything would be wonderful again and life would be so much better because love makes everything perfect. Well, no it doesn't. Remember, there was some reason the ex left. Everything wasn't wonderful. And just how good was life anyway? Some people really want their ex back because they are afraid - afraid they are unlovable, afraid of being out there looking for someone, afraid no one will like them -- afraid of being alone. That's a very very bad reason for learning how to get your ex back.

So what we're really looking at are several things here. Learning what a healthy relationship is and what the signs of an unhealthy one are. Learning some new ways to behave to make the relationship much better, more stable and long-lasting. Maybe learning how to get your ex back - or maybe learning how to find a new partner with a lot less anxiety, frustration, and doubt than you used to experience. Or, maybe all of these. After all learning the techniques that make dating (and seduction and relationships) easier than you ever imagined can certainly do you a lot of good with your ex also.

You need to learn some new things, make some changes, or you'll be stuck in the same old misery again just down the road. Change and growth are not as hard as you may think and the rewards can be much greater than you imagine whether you want to learn how to get your ex back or find a new partner or improve your skills in relationships.