How To Tell If She Has Commitment Phobia

Social IssuesRelationship

  • Author Ruth Purple
  • Published February 14, 2009
  • Word count 641

Commitment phobia is the fear of commitment, especially in a marriage or a long-term relationship. For a long time, it was believed that only men had this fear. In the recent years, however, the population of women who actively choose to be single are increasing rapidly. A classic example of a commitment phobe is Maggie Carpenter in the 1999 romantic comedy film "Runaway Bride" (starring Julia Roberts and Richard Gere). After leaving three grooms-to-be waiting at the altar, she makes yet another attempt to get married—this time with Bob, a high school football coach. The marriage didn’t take place, after Ike kissed Maggie at the wedding rehearsal.

Soon after, Ike and Maggie decide to marry, since the wedding plans are all set. But, Maggie gets cold feet on the wedding day, and left Ike, like all her previous grooms-to-be, standing at the altar. Commitment phobia is not just a movie plot. It is a real problem that a lot of women are dealing with nowadays. Commitment phobes are capable of cultivating natural relationships and actually want to be committed. They have high, unusually unrealistic expectations at the initial stage of each relationship. The feeling doesn’t last that long, though. Pretty soon the thought of being in a long-term commitment makes them feel trapped and suffocated.

They are then overpowered by fear, and they do everything in their power to get out of the relationship. All over the world, the population of single women are skyrocketing—and we simply have to ask: why? Why are women becoming terrified of commitment? The causes of commitment phobia can sometimes be traced back to a loss or trauma of some kind such as a nasty divorce or death of a parent, poor role models or the child has witnessed / has been a victim of abuse. Some women have purely professional reasons. Women today are more empowered and have more choices than in the past.

A brilliant career often demands a lot of their time and is prized greatly than a relationship or marriage. But, a lot of them fear commitment because of very obvious reasons: they have been cheated on, used and manipulated, and left to fend off on their own because their men bailed out on them. Getting her heart torn into shreds if she commits could happen again. So how do you know if your Maggie is a commitment phobe or not? Spot the signs and save yourself needless pain: Take a look at her history of relationships. How many times did she get married? Did she have a string of unavailable partners before you? If she did, then your relationship is probably not for the long haul.

You can always convince yourself that she will eventually change, once she knows how terrific a partner you can be. Ask her what she wants—a commitment phobe will either give you a vague description of what she’s looking for or admit straight up that she is indeed one. Have you met her family or friends? Has she ever made plans for your future together? Are you dating exclusively? If not, then she just might be scared to commit or maybe not looking for an exclusive relationship just yet. What's so exciting about her? Sometimes your own ambivalence in relationships makes the commitment phobic woman attractive.

It could be that your own fears could possibly draw you to the un-availableness of the person. A commitment phobic woman doesn’t have to be in a church, filled with attendants and a groom waiting at the end of the aisle, to have cold feet. Being in a relationship with a Maggie is hard, but there is always a chance that she could exorcise her fears. Seeking professional help or counseling may help her understand the roots of her fear and how to conquer them.

The author of this article Ruth Purple is a Relationships Coach who has been successfully coaching and guiding clients for many years. Ruth recently decided to go public and share her knowledge and experience through her website http://www.relazine.com. You can sign up for her free newsletter and join her coaching program.

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Kevin Eakes
Kevin Eakes · 12 years ago
My ex Girlfriend Kris Bruke she is from Bristol CT I WENT UP THER IN Jan 2012 everything was great , she was the one for me. She was 42 and I was 27 she had a wonderful child as well who really love me alot. She love to talk about her pass alot growing up as a child with her dad her family and her ex husband. For example her mother was in the hospital for aweek and we had to go to clean her moms house for her, everything was find and all then when we get to her mother house she change ,she look at me in a werid way and said (you don't know what this house has done to me growing up) she cry. SO I TOLD HER I WAS HERE for her and I love her very much, and I told her I will not let nothing happen to her. She like telling me the same storys over and over. And I didn't mind she had guys as friendsbut this one dude wanted more with her and she couldn't see that so we argue over that alot. It made me sound like I was jelouis but I wasnt I knew what he was doing . She talk to him in front of me no problem but there where certain things he would say to her I didnt like. And her friend always want to bring this guy up that she dating I got sick of that.I know she wasn't studing her about him but it was like every time she calls Kris she will talk about him and , that got under my skin. so we broke up she told me she love me but not in love with. When I lefted it was hard for her and me we cried like a baby and so did her little girl. She said she tried to change he miner for me but she couldn't . Itold her she needed to stop living in her past. So I came back to n.c we still talk alot cuz I had to put her little girl to bed over the phone. Then oneday she quit talking to me. She told me I was A big part of her daughter life all that good stuff, it was like she wanted me to hate her. She tried to find fault in everything with me, but she can only give me a friendship. So later on that guy she was talking to she quit talking to him because he wanted more with her and she wasn't gonna do that . But after we broke I knew she love me and still does I just think she was scared of being hurt and scared of being love she couldn't it. Someone plesae help me understand more I would love to be with her again oneday Thanks Kevin