“It is only alone, truly alone that one bursts apart, springs forth”

Maria Isabel Barreno

Perimenopause now begins as early as 35 years of age. If you ask women what comes to mind when they think of menopause and perimenopause, you’ll often get responses like: “I didn’t know what was happening to me”, “I felt angry/sad a lot of the time”, “My hormones went crazy”, “I had no energy”, “I longed for something different in my life”. Women describe a complex range of issues related to the changes during these years, including emotional, psychological and spiritual concerns. Yet most medical treatment and educational material focuses on the physical changes.

It’s quite true that the hormonal ups and downs we experience result in physical symptoms. However, the most profound change happens on another level, a core level where our true self exists. This process affects our very identity.

In our society, the overall emphasis is on physical, tangible things. We live in an upbeat, youthful and results-driven culture where external events and activities are emphasized. Productivity and speed are of the essence.

This focus on the physical or concrete extends to the way we view our bodies. Alternative therapies have addressed the ‘body-mind’ concept for a number of years, but abstract qualities such as emotions, spirituality and meaning of life tend to take a back seat. It takes extra effort and commitment to identify and acknowledge these aspects of our being in a society that does not honour them.

In the mid nineties, I had the privilege of attending retreats in Wyoming with Judith Duerk, M.S., psychotherapist and author of Circle of Stones…Woman’s Journey to Herself. Recently I asked Judith why she thinks our society emphasizes the physical part of menopause rather than the psychological and spiritual. Judith suggested that this might be left over from the past, when women functioned solely as caretakers for children and men. Little attention was given to any of their problems then, but over time the physical issues of the menopause years began to be addressed by the medical community. Judith went on to comment: “now that women have more say in things, we ourselves can bring attention to the spiritual journey, and to the individual nature of each woman’s journey at this point of life.”

In The Wisdom of Menopause Dr. Christiane Northrup tells us that the physiological changes that take place in perimenopause and menopause cause a rewiring of the body’s neurological circuitry. This affects all body systems, particularly the brain. Consequently women perceive the world and their own lives differently than they did in earlier life.

The reaction of individual women to these profound internal changes varies widely. There are many commonalities however. For example, women may find they are impatient, angry or emotional in situations that they previously took in their stride. The impact of hormonal changes on the hypothalmus affects the processing of strong emotions. This increases awareness and sensitivity to people and situations.

This does not mean the reactions of women are extreme or incorrect. These responses are information coming from deep within us, from a primal place. They are in keeping with the physical changes taking place inside us. Women’s reactions during these years are visceral, which means instinctive rather than consciously reasoned out. If we listen to them, these messages or impressions will tell us what we need to change in our lives.

A compelling need during the perimenopausal and menopausal years is time alone to reflect, and sometimes time with like-minded others. Without connection, we may feel isolated on our journey. The urgent desire for the time and space to contemplate accelerates towards the end of perimenopause when the physiological changes speed up. Time alone, to use as we choose is, as Barreno says, the way that we “burst apart”. It gives us the opportunity to take inventory, complete unfinished business, and decide how we want to move forward.

Caught up in multi-faceted, highly responsible lives, often women don’t realize that time for themselves is a basic right. Self care and boundary setting are key to psychological, emotional and spiritual wellness.

The changes beginning to take place inside women in the late thirties and into the forties are a message to slow down and to turn inward. These feelings are telling women to do an internal check-in as opposed to the usual externally-driven one.

By now you’re probably asking, how do I begin to make changes in my life? And what is an internal check-in anyway? Our lives do not change overnight but small changes, when combined over time, enrich the quality of our life.

An Internal Check-in is a way to keep in touch with our emotional, psychological and spiritual process. It is less about doing, as in the outer world, than it is about being…being grounded deep inside ourselves. To do a check-in, once an hour ask yourself “How am I feeling?”, What do I need? (e.g. I need…to breathe deeper; eat/drink; go to the park; take a break from talking). You will know what you need; in time this will become easier.

The following tools will assist you with your internal process of change:

· Breathing: Breathe in through your nose to a count of 3. Hold for as long as it’s comfortable, then forcefully push all the air out through your mouth. Repeat three times. Do this as often as you wish.

· Spiritual Practice: What feeds you? Whatever this is do it regularly! (e.g. being in nature; art; music; meditation; prayer).

· Time Out: Prioritize daily time alone (minimum 30 minutes) To accomplish this you may need to learn to say ‘No’ more often.

· 5 Whys: If you feel stuck write down your issue. Ask yourself “why?” and write down the answer, then ask “why?” again. The problem is usually resolved after 5 “why’s” (a corporate technique developed by Toyota).

The perimenopause and menopause years can be a time of great empowerment, when we as women begin to identify our needs and to speak out about them.

It can be especially challenging to identify and acknowledge our dissatisfaction, to ourselves, because as women we tend to prioritize the needs of others ahead of our own. But often the internal urge is so strong we feel we have no choice but to acknowledge it and speak our needs out loud. In our zeal, we may go a little overboard at first. That’s okay, we have to walk before we can run!

Make these years a time of transformation, an opportunity to become more fully the you that you were meant to be. It is time now to turn your attention to yourself. You deserve it.