Marilee, a client of mine, was commitment phobic. "I'd love

to be in a loving relationship," she told me in one of our

counseling sessions, "but I'm not willing to give up my

freedom. I have a great life. I love my work and my friends.

I love to travel and take workshops and classes. I don't

want anyone telling me what I can or can't do. I don't want

to deal with someone feeling hurt because I want to work

rather than be with him. It's just not worth all the

hassle."

Marcus, another of my clients, was also commitment phobic.

"When I'm not in a relationship, that's all I can think

about it. I really want someone to play with, to love and to

grow with. But soon after getting into a relationship, I

start to feel trapped. I feel like I can't do what I want to

do and I start to resent the person for limiting me. Most of

the time, she has no idea what's going on and is stunned by

the break-up. She thought everything was fine. After leaving

her, I'm back to square one – wanting to be in a

relationship. This has happened over and over again."

Commitment phobia has its roots in the belief that when we

love someone, we are responsible for their feelings rather

than for our own. Once we believe that we are responsible

for another's feelings of hurt or rejection as a result of

our behavior, we believe we need to limit ourselves in order

to not upset the other person. Then, instead of standing up

for our own freedom and right to pursue that which brings us

joy, we limit our freedom in an effort to have control over

the other person's feelings. This will always eventually

lead to resentment.

"Marilee, " I asked in one of our phone sessions, "What if

you picked someone who also loved his work and his personal

freedom?"

"Frankly, I can't imagine that. Every man I've been in a

relationship with has wanted to spend more time with me than

I have with him. Am I just picking the wrong man over and

over?"

"No," I replied. "But you are not standing firm in your

freedom from the beginning. You give a lot at the beginning

because you enjoy being with him, but, as we've discussed,

you also give yourself up a lot at the beginning. You make

love when you don't want to. You stay up later than you want

to for fear of hurting him. Then, when you do start to tell

the truth, he is surprised and hurt. Until you are willing

to risk losing him from the beginning rather than lose

yourself, you will continue to create relationships that

limit your freedom. You end up believing that it is the

relationship that limits you, but it is your own fears and

beliefs that keep limiting you."

In my sessions with Marcus, he discovered that he had no

idea how to stand up for himself in a relationship. As soon

as a woman wanted something from him, he gave it to her. He

just could not bring himself to say no. Then, of course, he

ended up feeling trapped.

Marcus discovered that his fear of saying no to a woman came

from two sources:

1. He believed he was responsible for her feelings, and that

he was bad if he did anything that upset her.

2. He was afraid that if she felt hurt, she would get angry

and reject him.

As a result of these two fears, Marcus continually gave

himself up in relationships. However, giving himself up

created such resentment toward his partner that he

eventually didn't want to be with her anymore and left the

relationship.

In order to have both our personal freedom and be in a

committed relationship, we need to learn to take

responsibility for our own feelings rather than the other

person's feelings, and we need to be willing to lose the

other person rather than lose ourselves. Commitment phobia

heals when you become strong enough to be true to yourself,

even in the face of another's anger, rejection, or loss. If

you want to have a loving relationship, then you need to do

the inner work necessary to develop a strong adult self who

can be a powerful advocate for your personal freedom.