Divorce and Men: Developmental psychologists state that divorce affects men at the psychological and social levels. They feel that divorce is a rejection of their manhood. Men see divorce as a threat to their virility and fertility.

On another level, divorce poses a question on their authority and position in the family. Divorce shatters their belief in themselves. They can no longer face themselves. Divorce is an embarrassment. They feel a social outcast as their role as family head has been questioned and shattered. They feel humiliated and powerless to face people and life again. Divorce exposes them as weak people. This goes contrary to their self-expectation of being strong in character and physique.

It reduces their status in front of children, family members and even friends. It also casts a doubt on their maturity level. Men often find themselves being ignored for deserved promotions at the workplace. The general consensus is that the man cannot deal with work responsibilities and duties if he is unable to deal with family life.

Behaviour Therapy and Counselling: Men need behaviour therapy at a different level. Therapists need to work on their ego to revive their self-confidence and belief. Therapists have to undo the negative impact of divorce. They have to make the divorcer understand that the divorce can be dealt with. It is not something to be ashamed of. It is not a social stigma.

Therapy and counselling have to work together to complement each other. Therapy has to work towards the release of emotional baggage. It has to generate catharsis. On the other hand, counselling has to restore faith and belief. This is accomplished by making the divorcer talk about the divorce. The counsellor has to maintain a neutral attitude.

Key Aspects

• Nobody is to blame for the divorce

• The divorce is in the past

• It is time to look to the future

• Share all negative emotions and get rid of them

• Do things which make you happy

• Start life afresh again

Therapy and counselling are built along these lines. It follows a structured format. The counsellor should not direct the communication and thought process of the divorcer. The aim of this exercise lies in making the divorcer vocalise thoughts, feelings, perceptions and facts about the divorce. Counsellors argue that the process of vocalisation helps the divorcer to understand and grasp the realities of divorce. He needs to understand that life has changed for the better. He has to view divorce as an opportunity of making a better life for himself.

The divorcer is presented with innumerable opportunities, which he could not pursue during his marriage:

• Seeking a career change to earn more income

• Change of lifestyle i.e. going to the gym, getting a physical makeover

• Changing residence by moving to a new city or country

• Taking up new activities of interest such as cooking, bungee jumping, writing

• Making new friends and widening social circle

• Resuming dating and getting intimate with members of the opposite gender

This is extremely important for the male divorcer. He has to feel good about himself. Dating and sexual encounters restore his faith and belief that his virility and fertility are intact. He still has the attraction power with women. In fact, research suggests that divorced men want to date young women. This adds to the belief that dating is considered a social symbol among divorced men.

But it should not be rushed into. Hurried dating leads to rejection further hurting the male divorcer. It is preferable to date social acquaintances and friends to seek social approval. Dating boosts self-esteem. Research suggests that older divorced men go in for serial dating. More than 25% of men start dating their exes.

Another cause of concern is children. It is important not to lose contact with the kids. The parent has to ensure that direct and two-way communication always exists between him and the child. Behaviour therapy sets out a few guidelines:

• Follow regular visitation schedules

• Be cordial with ex in front of the child

• Do not make child uncomfortable by abusing or criticizing ex in front of child

• Introduce child to your friends and social partners

• Always allow the child to maintain direct phone contact with you

• Keep in touch with letters, cards ands gifts if residing in another country